Really? REALLY?

I hear a lot of guys say that they wish girls would be more self confident.  That confidence is what really lets someone's beauty shine through.  To a certain extent, I agree.  I know for me, I was always more successful in dating, and really life in general, when I wasn't totally wrapped up in worrying about all my physical flaws. 
This self esteem/self worth/confidence thing can be tough in our superficial, over sexed, youth obsessed society.  Its hard for guys and even worse for girls.  It is tough not to let the world and the general standard of beauty beat the crap out of you, quite frankly!







So I always appreciate it when a guy can honestly say he values confidence more than any specific beauty trait.
Flip side, I'm always enraged when they go ahead and let the natural man take over in dating. Now, guys, don't think I'm picking on you . . . check out this post where I get after the girls pretty good: http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/08/attractive.html 
I mean, if confidence is attractive, aren't you kind of killing off your selection of eligable, datable girls if you tear them apart?!?
Here's what prompted this tirade . . . .

Weeks ago, a guy from our (me and the hub's) old singles ward posted on facebook that he really wanted to start dating again and was anyone willing to set him up?  My hubby enjoys matchmaking, so he decided to set him up with one of my sister's old friends.  He's 32, she's in her mid 20's, he's waiting for a career to take off, so is she, both have a tough time finding people to date because they're a little shy . . . why not?  So we gave him her number.  They've spoken on the phone quite a few times and he was having a hard time getting up the nerve to ask her out.  Then my hubby gets a text from the guy: 
"Hey man, what does this girl look like?" 
"Haven't you been out with her?" 
"No, not yet.  What does she look like?  Is she pretty?  What does she weigh?" 
I am now stomping around cleaning things.  (I clean when I'm mad . . . my hubby should tick me off WAY more often . . . my house is kinda messy.) 
"Dude, that's not cool to ask." 
"I'm just wondering." 
"She's just fine.  Do you think I'd set you up with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all?  C'mon man.  Anyway, its a BLIND date.  That's what it means.  You don't get to know what she looks like." 
No more texts.  Big kisses for hubby who handled it pretty well. 

A few weeks later: 
"Hey man, so tell me about this girl?" 
"I thought you were calling her and stuff." 
"I am, but we still haven't met up.  What does she look like?" 
"You know how to use facebook." 
A few minutes later . . .
"Dude, you know I'm like, 125 lbs, right?"
"Yeah.  Why are you telling me that?" 
"Well, she looks kind of bigger." 
"What?  Who cares!  I thought you were talking to her and liked her." 
"Yeah." 
"Then who cares?"
"Well, I still think I'd rather have a skinny girl." 
Hubby throws phone and stomps around cleaning things.  (I was a picky girl and I picked me a good one!) 

I holler, "Well, maybe she'd rather not date a BALDING MIDGET!" as I loudly load the dishwasher. (The guy is pretty short and sparse.  This was mean to say, but he couldn't hear me.  There is NOTHING WRONG with short people (I am one!) or bald people (I'm related to a lot of bald people.)) 
I mean, this girl isn't a supermodel, but she isn't in terrible shape . . . she's clearly taking care of herself and within a reasonably healthy weight range and even if she wasn't, WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!?
I holler, "You'd better never get anyone pregnant then!" as I chuck mega blocks into the bin.  (Pregnancy isn't always pretty.) 

Here's the thing. 
Ya'll need to quit being superficial on BOTH sides.  Let it go.  Personality, compatability, sense of humor, spirituality, quirks, these things last.  Your looks don't.  Everyone has physical flaws.  Everyone ages, everyone changes.  People are more than bodies. 

Put Down the Glitter Pens and Nobody Gets Hurt

The List. 

Girls, you know what I'm talking about.  Guys, maybe you do too?  Every former Laurel has one.  Tucked into her scriptures, forgotten in a Personal Progress book, well worn in a diary, proudly displayed on her bedroom wall, or always on hand in her purse. 
Usually written on plain white paper, the list is doodle-rific with hearts and swirls and pretty handwriting. 



Most of us started the list the same way . . . . sitting in Young Women's, the often ignored teacher endures the eye rolls at the beginning of another Eternal Marriage lesson, knowing she has a secret weapon.  She struggles to get every girl's attention as she prepares to announce "the fun part" of the hour.  She may even have brought stickers, glitter pens, and scrapbook paper.  The girls quiet down and stare their, "I so know this already" stares and try not to look interested.  The instructor triumphantly holds her chalk in the air and reads, "Qualities I want in a future husband".  The girls slowly reach for the pens.  They write a few things down.  Before they know it, the page is full of Mr. Right's prerequisites. 
When I got this lesson, I happened to be writing a missionary (dumb) so I'm pretty sure my paper just said, "Elder Smith" with hearts and swirls.  *headdesk*
But it saved me from The List.  Which is lucky. 
I rarely thought of The List again.  I thought of it when a roommate's fell out of her scriptures.  I thought about it when a friend was rewriting hers in her journal.  I thought about it when a companion wanted to tell me all about hers.  I gasped when I saw it glittering proudly on a 20-something-year-old girl's bedroom wall.  Something about that pinky purple inked checklist made me angry.  If I were a guy, I'd be TICKED. 
See, you guys are always being measured against The List. 
And The List becomes The Law. 
And its more than just the churchy stuff on the list!  It includes babysitting experience, attractiveness, hair color, financial stability, and a lot more. 
I have really and truly seen many, many girls decide to never give some guys a chance because they don't fulfill the requirements of The List.  "I'll never go on a date with him because he isn't a return missionary, has a student loan, wasn't given a leadership position on his mission, I heard him swear once, he is too short, he doesn't want x number of kids, doesn't have enough money, doesn't want a high enough paying job, has too long of hair, the wrong color hair, not clean cut enough . . . "  Sound familiar? 

This is wrong.  Ladies.  Throw away the list.  You are a big girl now, capable of making good decisions and listening to the Spirit.  You might strike someone out who would be really great for you.  There is so much more to people than just the things on your list! 

Spill, do you have a list?  Does it rule your dating world? 
Have you ever dated a girl with a list?  Did you know about it? 

Not now

As an LDS single, I bet you're familiar with a lot of not nows . . . .

DON'T DATE until you're 16. 
DON'T GO ON DATES 1 ON 1 until you're 18 or after a mission. 
DON'T BE EXCLUSIVE until you're ready for marriage.
DON'T HAVE SEX until you're married. 

Got another one for ya . . .

DON'T TALK ABOUT PAST RELATIONSHIPS until you're talking marriage. 


I think this is sound advice. 

Have you ever been on a first date with someone who talks about past relationships?  It makes you pretty sure that you're not really that exciting to be with and they'd rather be out with one of those other people.  So newly dating is a danger zone for talking about past relationships. 
At the same time, I can imagine that first learning about past relationships after marriage would be pretty dicey too.  Talk about a good way to start an arguement!  I mean, why are you bringing that person up and why are you even thinking about them and why didn't you ever tell me you were to that point in that relationship . . . . that could get ugly. 

So, I'm one of those, "secrets don't make friends" people that thinks you really should know all about your spouse.  I want to know my hubby better than anyone else.  I want to know the whole story . . . even the bad parts.

I think you should talk about past relationships when you are firmly in the talking marraige zone . . . . when the "m-word" isn't scary, but exciting . . . it might be before you're engaged or just after . . . but probably not when in the trenches of wedding planning.  And you have to disclose it all.  Even *gasp!* a few past no-no's. 

WHAT?!?!?  WHY?!?!? 

Well, first and foremost, as future life-long sexual partners, you need to know where the other has been . . . is there any testing you need to do?  Second, there's a chance you'll run into an old flame sometime . . . make the awkward easier by knowing what's up.  Third, past relationships end for a reason and often teach you a lesson.  If you can be a grown up about this conversation, you'll see that your lovey's past has made them who they are.  You should be committed enough at this point in the relationship to be confident that you love each other with eyes wide open, accepting of flaws and faults and history.  Fourth, surprises in marriage can be really hard to take in, especially since you'll probably find the surprises during a rough patch.  Fifth, you've got to know each other's weaknesses so you can help each other when things get tough.  There are a lot of reasons to tell. 

Well, I can disclose all past relationships, but not THAT one . . .
Ummmm, maybe you need to get over that person before you marry someone else.  Just sayin'. 

About past sins . . . ALL of them? 
Well, I don't think you've got a list somewhere to hand over and I don't think your sweetheart gives a crap about the candy bar you stole in third grade.  This is going to require some listening to the Spirit to know just what you should talk about.  You're on your own for that one.  The trick here is to be mature enough on the listening end to realize something that happened 5 years ago really isn't going to destroy your brand new shiny love!  Can you see why this conversation would be a bad idea on a third date? 

Just believe me when I say I love knowing a LOT about my husband.  It helps me to know him better and love him more. 

Its Not Easy Being Green

Just ask Kermit. 


But wait . . . now being green is a good thing!  Recycling, farmers market shopping, driving a Prius. 

So its not easy being an LDS single.  Unless it is.  Which then makes it hard. 
Explanation: 
So, you're single and LDS and have passed up whatever number you thought you'd be married by.  (25 for most of you, 21 for others, 35 for some of you, whatever number.)  Now you probably feel a little guilty, a little sad, a little disappointed, maybe your self worth took a hit or you are now officially perplexed by your patriarchal blessing. 
Someone sees that you're down and blue and talks you back up. 
Being single is kind of a blessing!  You have the time to be of real service and maximize your callings.  You are strong and faithful and can handle this trial.  You start to look on the positive side.  (Which is a good thing!)  You start to see more good things about your situation.  You can travel.  You can work on your education.  You can have fun hobbies and develop your talents.  You can shop.  You can own toys a wife wouldn't let you buy.  Being single becomes fun and easy and good.  You LIKE it.  And you meet divored and unhappy married people and their rather difficult children and think, "Well, this single thing is pretty good, actually.  I LIKE it!"
And it gets tricky. 

I mean, if being single is so great, then why go on uncomfortable dates, deal with relationships, go through a DTR? 

So, here's a problem.  I think being single sometimes becomes so comfortable that some people don't make an effort to meet someone, have a relationship, or get married. 

Do you think this is true?  Do you think it happens?  How do you be happy single, but still make the effort? 

Dancing Queen

Stake dances. 
Make them worse, and you get
YSA Dances. 


I'm not 100% sure why they still exist . . . I mean, I know the leaders pull out that bible verse about praising the Lord with singing and dancing, but I think they really just want to make sure you suffer the utter awkwardness that they did 20 years ago.  Green and gold ball.  Pukefest. 

But, I did say you HAVE TO GO.  Right here, see?  http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/07/where-boys-are.html

So here's how you handle it without making a complete fool of yourself. 
1.  Don't be a wallflower.  (Because you should have just stayed home.  You're not going to meet anyone AND you are perptetuating the awkwardness.  Plus you'll be in a terrible mood so if you DO meet anyone, you'll leave a less than stellar impression.)
2.  Dance. 
I realize this is the hard part, but beyond the wallflowers, who we've established are not in a good mood anyway, no one is watching because they're too busy trying not to look foolish.  Pointers on dancing: 
          a.  If you really think you can't dance, practice ahead of time by babysitting or volunteering in nursrey.  March to a beat.  If you're moving to the beat, you're doing fine.  If you can't, practice. 
          b.  Do some silly moves.  Because if you can laugh at yourself, you are confident, humble, and fun.  Shopping cart, baby! 
          c.  GIRLS:  Do not bust out your moves from your lap dancing work out video.  You'll just embarass yourself and others.  Keep it fun.  No one brought dollar bills anyway and you don't take credit cards.  Just sayin.
          d.  Talk while you dance.  If the music is too loud, ask them to turn it down just a bit.  You're there to be social, not get a work out. 
          e.  Dance with a group of girls and guys.  I'm mostly talking to girls here . . . you're notorious for dancing in a man repelling circle of bff's. 
          f.  Slow song?  Ask someone to dance.  Yes, I'm talking to the guys AND the girls.  Its not a big deal . . . . which brings us to . . .
          g.  Say yes.  Its a dance.  Its not even a date.  It ain't gonna kill you to dance with someone you're not in love with.  You might make a new friend, find out they're not as unattractive as you thought (see previous post), or, in the worst-case scenario, have a funny story to tell someday.
I know the music isn't great, the decorations laughable and the food, well, GONE, but make the best of it and have a good time.  They don't come around that often.  It'll be ok. 

What?  What do you wear? 

If its a costume dance, dress up.  Find two friends to do it too.  If no one else does, you're the cool one.  If its not a costume dance, wear something you feel comfortable and confident in.  (And maybe dust off your For the Strength of Youth pamphlet . . . hot pants and a corset might not be the best plan . . . . )  And flat shoes, girls.  You can wear heels, but bring flats.  You're not in charge of making sure the chairs don't float away. 

Attractive . . .

There was this big shift in the late 90's.  See, we'd just done grunge, anything goes, just be yourself, accept people for who they are and then, all of the sudden, here comes Brittney Spears with her bubble gum pop, mini skirts, and bleached hair and BAM!  You've gotta be who you are BUT be physically attractive. 
I remember all of the sudden people worried more about hair, make up, and the plastic surgery industry went BANANAS. 
I also remember that all of the sudden when LDS people were talking about dating, they always summed it up with, "but the other person should be reasonably attractive.  I mean, you can't multiply and replenish the earth if you just don't think the other person is attractive." 

This is STUPID.  Its a clear example of letting the "world" dictate your behavior. 
 "b b b b b b b BUT!" 
NO.  Its stupid. 

Ok, I'll prove it.  Think back to when you were a little kid.  Who was the most beautiful woman in the world?  Your mom.  Event the Disney princesses took a back seat to mommy.  Who was the most handsome?  Dad. 

No, I'm not going to get all Freud here.  I think there's a real reason.  You thought your parents were BEAUTIFUL people.  Why?  Because you loved them.  You loved them completely.  They could yell at you and make you mad and not buy you candy and you woke up the next day and loved them.  Now that I have kids, I totally see this in action.  There is nobody my kids love more than Mom and Dad no matter how imperfect we are. 
Flip side - every mom and dad thinks their children are BEAUTIFUL.  I've seen some of those kids with the super proud parents on Toddlers and Tiaras and been like, ummm . . . . . yeah.  Admit it, we've all seen ugly babies with doting parents and grandparents. 
So, what has that got to do with finding people attractive? 

If you love someone, there's a good chance, you'll find them attractive.  NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  If you find them attractive first, there's a good chance you're experiencing lust, not love. 

I'm not saying you can't date attractive people, I'm just saying you can't decide whether someone is attractive or not before you get to know them pretty well. 

I was talking to someone about this and explained that the way people look changes over time . . . . you gain weight, you lose weight, you have babies (hello, stretch marks and loose skin on my tummy!), you get wrinkles, grey hair, dudes sprout chest hair, and nose hair . . . . it happens.  And if you are shallow and went for looks first, rather than love, you will be one unhappy couple. 

Also, this seems to be a problem more widespread among the ladies.  On the whole, guys seem less caught up in this.  I've seen guys date lots of not super cute girls.  They like those girls because they're nice and fun and hey, maybe they are cute after all.  (That's how it works!) 
Girls will refuse to even TALK to a boy they deem unattractive so they don't "lead him on".  Jerks.  Really!  And when they talk about boys, its always about how they LOOK.  This makes for grouchy jaded boys who don't even bother to ask girls out.  This is pretty much our fault, girls. 

BUT, I sympathize with you ladies because we were RAISED this way.  (Stupid Disney princesses!)  I mean, we're not just worried about what the guys look like . . . we're always beating the crap out of ourselves over a blemish, smudged makeup, hair color, uneven tan, wrong bra size . . . we don't discriminate . . . we critique ourselves the worst and then move on to everyone else. 
I'll let you in on something I very recently figured out . . . I didn't meet my husband until I knocked that off.  I had to make a conscious decision to stop.  And I wasn't perfect at it, but I tried.  I took care of myself, but stayed too busy to be constantly worried about how I (and everyone else) looked.  And I married myself someone who I find very attractive . . . but it wasn't like I was squealing, "He's so hot!" when I met him. 

So, long winded post, but I'm putting it out there!  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Anyone care to experiment with letting go of the superficial business and letting us know if it impacts YOUR love life?

On dating people who aren't Mormon . . .

There are a lot of wonderful people out there in the world . . . and a lot of them are NOT LDS . . . So, do you take a love-conquers-all approach and give people of other faiths a chance?  Do you take the no CTR ring, no date approach? 


This is SO TRICKY. 

There really are some wonderful guys and girls out there who are just not Mormon.  But they're everything you want!  Sometimes they even have higher moral standards than most of your YSA group.  So what do you do? 

I always *thought* I believed the love-conquers-all, if-its-meant-to-be-its-meant-to-be stuff.  I did.  I even met very happy part member families on my mission.  Correction, mostly super happy.  Every one of those members would talk to us sometime when their spouce wasn't present and cry.  They LOVE their spouce.  They believe marrying that person was the right thing to do.  They believe their family will be together forever somehow.  But its breaking their heart that their true love hasn't accepted the Gospel yet. 

I think this is an issue for people of every faith . . . if you think what you believe is THE right thing to believe, its hard when someone you love, well, doesn't.  Even harder in religions like the LDS faith where the blessing of eternal families is for couples who are both faithful LDS Church members. 

Back to the question - Should you date people who are not LDS? 
1.  You have to listen to the Spirit . . . which is sometimes hard to hear when you're head over heels.  Just sayin'. 
2.  You need to be honest about how fast and how hard you tend to fall for people . . . do you get attatched easily?  Then maybe the stakes are too high. 
3.  I fell into the category of  "A date or two is OK, but I'm going to be honest from the begining about my religion and goals."  You wouldn't believe how many guys would start talking about marraige or moving away together on a first date or EARLIER who were not LDS.  That's when I let my temple marraige flag fly. They were always offended . . . and obviously a bit desparate. 
4.  Have an exit strategy.  Even if you have a 2 date rule, you're going to have some explaining to do.  You might want to plan what you're saying ahead of time. 

I know a couple that has been dating almost as long as I've been married.  One is a member, wants a temple marriage, wants a CRAZY number of kids, wants to live temple recommend standards.  The other is not a member, doesn't believe in the Church, wants 1 kid, wants to have sex.  So the member occasionally gives in on the morality standards and will settle for two kids.  The other would get baptized and *thinks* go to the temple (I don't think the person knows about the "Do you have a testimony of the restored gospel?" question.) but never really be super active, settle for 2 kids, deal with changing morality rules.  Needless to say, it isn't going well.  They each say they're in love, but can't let go of the dreams they have for their life and future.  It sucks. 
I guess what I'm saying is, you should show everyone respect and kindness, regardless of their religion, but you need to be careful with your heart.  I think this is a big topic, so if you have an opinion about it, please do share.

Talk to me!

So, I want this blog to be HELPFUL.  And I can guess at what issues/problems/questions/frustrations you're having, because I've been there.  (Got hitched at 26 - but was planning on being single a lot longer!) 
BUT
This blog can be better if you talk to me.  Really. 
I've set this blog up with the right settings - you can comment anonymously so NO ONE will know who you are and NO ONE can stalk you.  (Because we all know, creepy happens.)
So, tell me what's up.  What are you wondering about?  Who is making you CRAZY?  Do you think I'm WAY off on something?  Comment away.  Your secret's safe with me.  Because really, who am I gonna tell?  My three year old who doesn't even talk (he has autism) or my one year old.  I think you're good.