Blog Fodder

I found this article and thought, "Woah!  I can make like, 5 blog posts out of this!"  So, give it a read and leave your thoughts. 

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/51631455-80/lds-says-marriage-mormon.html.csp

I've got some posts already spinning about in my brain like
The Mighty Provider
Chickens
The Myth of The One
Dating Economics
Just Ask
Is Timing Really Everything?
Bigger or Better
Why YSA Activities Flop
I'll link 'em as soon as I write 'em, but at this moment, I need to make some Mac and Chreese (yes, chreese . . . my kids have food allergies) and handle a situation involving a broom and Bugs Life.

Domestic Prostitution

You've totally seen it. 

I promise. 

Girl likes guy.  Girl somehow thinks this is 1965 and bakes boy cookies, cleans up his kitchen, makes him dinner, bakes boy a pie. 

And is totally sure its gonna make him LOVE her. 

I know, just about EVERY mormon girl is guilty of a little domestic peep show . . . I once made a guy dinner once a week for almost an entire semester.  (In my defense, he was from my stake and was living off ramen noodles, apples, and peanut butter because he didn't have much money and I probably would have done the same thing even if I hadn't liked him . . . . but I'll admit to an unterior motive.)  Another time I made a guy cookies just before Christmas break only to catch him making out with some chick when I dropped them off.  (I TOLD you, I did it wrong!)   Point is, guys don't like it like you think they do.  Sure, they like cookies, but they don't make you any more datable. 

Guys will compare you to their mom after you get married.  (One time my hubby and I had a fight because I didn't make lasagna like his moms . . . which lasagna is nasty by the way . . . so I don't make lasagna anymore.  If he wants some, he can make it himself.)  Before, though . . . . dating their mom isn't really the plan. 

I once knew a girl who was so deep into domestic prostitution that she was cooking his dinners, leaving him neatly labeled lunches, doing his cleaning, and even doing his laundry.  This left him with lots of time to do whatever he wanted . . . specifically date and get engaged to a different girl. 

When you feel the need to bake the boy cookies STOP.  If it isn't his one and only birthday/Christmas gift, better to pop in a chick flick and eat the cookie dough.  If you bake cookies and there are some around when he comes by to visit, by all means, share away . . . but leading with your domestic prowress is a crap idea. 

Honestly, I think I only ever made one meal for my hubby before we were married . . . and it was a dish I took to his Mom's for a potluck dinner after we were engaged and my parents were in town.  The man didn't even know if I could cook.  Didn't matter. 

Knight in Shining Armor

So, I know some of you are waiting for your knight in shining armor. He'll come in all handsome and save you from your miserable life and you'll live happily ever after, right? Most of us got over THAT a long time ago. Life isn't a Disney movie. (Thank goodness! How'd you like to be half a fish, imprisoned in a tower, and be drawn a waistline that seriously damages all your internal organs?!?!)
The flip side?
Are YOU a knight in shining armor? 

I see this ALL THE TIME . . . . call it wanting to serve, the "I found this puppy" syndrome, but I know so many guys and girls who want this job. 

What's wrong with wanting to help someone?  Well, nothing, really.  But wanting to sweep in and save someone from the life they know and make them love you forever has some issues. 

Here are some real-life examples I've seen. 
Girl dates (and pays the rent, buys an xbox for) recently released inmate.  4 months later, he tells her he can't committ.  Keeps xBox.  She's still paying his rent. 
Guy dates girl with serious eating disorder, convinced that his attention will convince her that she's beautiful.  He ends the relationship after a few months, exhausted from trying to save her with compliments.  She now blames him for her problem. 
Girl dates 50 year old man who still lives with his parents and is frequently unemployed.  She pays his kids' bills and is saving to pay the rent in a small apartment they can live in together.  He continues to send his children to her instead of him for help.  He stops looking for work. 
Guy dates girl fresh out of a bad break up.  He gives her presents, fancy dates, lots of flattery, and she goes back to the ex 6 months later.  Keeps the ring. 
Girl dates guy who is struggling with some serious chastity problems.  She's convinced if he really loves her, he'll change.  Guy breaks up with girl after bishop's request.  He is NOT ready for a relationship. 
Guy dates girl who has a missionary she's "waiting" for.  She is sad because she misses the missionary and he wants to make her happy.  No guy can measure up to the man in her head, so she refuses to committ to the guy, but accepts many, many dates.  Tells the guy to get lost 2 months before missionary comes home. 

Its all the same thing.  Its all, "I'm going to swoop in, be the hero, my love will save you and you will love me forever!" 
What's wrong with that? 
In every case, the person that "needs saving" DOES NOT CHANGE.  Change is something you do mostly on your own.  You may have a cheerleader or a shoulder to cry on or even someone you want to change for, but its your choice.  And people almost NEVER change just because someone else wants them to.  In fact, in every case, the "problem" is made worse by the helping.  Also, I think people who ride in to save someone are really just after an ego boost.  They will be the "good one" in the relationship.  It often turns into an abusive relationship later becuase they want to always control the person they're "saving." 

I'm not saying that people with problems can't fall in love and navigate a relationship successfully.  Everyone has problems, everyone has flaws.  But a relationship is about mutual respect, and mutual work, really. 

If you really want to help someone, be a friend.  Help them find appropriate assistance.  And maybe when they've gone through what they need to go through, there will be a chance for a real relationship.  One where you get to be an equal. 

Really? REALLY?

I hear a lot of guys say that they wish girls would be more self confident.  That confidence is what really lets someone's beauty shine through.  To a certain extent, I agree.  I know for me, I was always more successful in dating, and really life in general, when I wasn't totally wrapped up in worrying about all my physical flaws. 
This self esteem/self worth/confidence thing can be tough in our superficial, over sexed, youth obsessed society.  Its hard for guys and even worse for girls.  It is tough not to let the world and the general standard of beauty beat the crap out of you, quite frankly!







So I always appreciate it when a guy can honestly say he values confidence more than any specific beauty trait.
Flip side, I'm always enraged when they go ahead and let the natural man take over in dating. Now, guys, don't think I'm picking on you . . . check out this post where I get after the girls pretty good: http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/08/attractive.html 
I mean, if confidence is attractive, aren't you kind of killing off your selection of eligable, datable girls if you tear them apart?!?
Here's what prompted this tirade . . . .

Weeks ago, a guy from our (me and the hub's) old singles ward posted on facebook that he really wanted to start dating again and was anyone willing to set him up?  My hubby enjoys matchmaking, so he decided to set him up with one of my sister's old friends.  He's 32, she's in her mid 20's, he's waiting for a career to take off, so is she, both have a tough time finding people to date because they're a little shy . . . why not?  So we gave him her number.  They've spoken on the phone quite a few times and he was having a hard time getting up the nerve to ask her out.  Then my hubby gets a text from the guy: 
"Hey man, what does this girl look like?" 
"Haven't you been out with her?" 
"No, not yet.  What does she look like?  Is she pretty?  What does she weigh?" 
I am now stomping around cleaning things.  (I clean when I'm mad . . . my hubby should tick me off WAY more often . . . my house is kinda messy.) 
"Dude, that's not cool to ask." 
"I'm just wondering." 
"She's just fine.  Do you think I'd set you up with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all?  C'mon man.  Anyway, its a BLIND date.  That's what it means.  You don't get to know what she looks like." 
No more texts.  Big kisses for hubby who handled it pretty well. 

A few weeks later: 
"Hey man, so tell me about this girl?" 
"I thought you were calling her and stuff." 
"I am, but we still haven't met up.  What does she look like?" 
"You know how to use facebook." 
A few minutes later . . .
"Dude, you know I'm like, 125 lbs, right?"
"Yeah.  Why are you telling me that?" 
"Well, she looks kind of bigger." 
"What?  Who cares!  I thought you were talking to her and liked her." 
"Yeah." 
"Then who cares?"
"Well, I still think I'd rather have a skinny girl." 
Hubby throws phone and stomps around cleaning things.  (I was a picky girl and I picked me a good one!) 

I holler, "Well, maybe she'd rather not date a BALDING MIDGET!" as I loudly load the dishwasher. (The guy is pretty short and sparse.  This was mean to say, but he couldn't hear me.  There is NOTHING WRONG with short people (I am one!) or bald people (I'm related to a lot of bald people.)) 
I mean, this girl isn't a supermodel, but she isn't in terrible shape . . . she's clearly taking care of herself and within a reasonably healthy weight range and even if she wasn't, WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!?
I holler, "You'd better never get anyone pregnant then!" as I chuck mega blocks into the bin.  (Pregnancy isn't always pretty.) 

Here's the thing. 
Ya'll need to quit being superficial on BOTH sides.  Let it go.  Personality, compatability, sense of humor, spirituality, quirks, these things last.  Your looks don't.  Everyone has physical flaws.  Everyone ages, everyone changes.  People are more than bodies. 

Put Down the Glitter Pens and Nobody Gets Hurt

The List. 

Girls, you know what I'm talking about.  Guys, maybe you do too?  Every former Laurel has one.  Tucked into her scriptures, forgotten in a Personal Progress book, well worn in a diary, proudly displayed on her bedroom wall, or always on hand in her purse. 
Usually written on plain white paper, the list is doodle-rific with hearts and swirls and pretty handwriting. 



Most of us started the list the same way . . . . sitting in Young Women's, the often ignored teacher endures the eye rolls at the beginning of another Eternal Marriage lesson, knowing she has a secret weapon.  She struggles to get every girl's attention as she prepares to announce "the fun part" of the hour.  She may even have brought stickers, glitter pens, and scrapbook paper.  The girls quiet down and stare their, "I so know this already" stares and try not to look interested.  The instructor triumphantly holds her chalk in the air and reads, "Qualities I want in a future husband".  The girls slowly reach for the pens.  They write a few things down.  Before they know it, the page is full of Mr. Right's prerequisites. 
When I got this lesson, I happened to be writing a missionary (dumb) so I'm pretty sure my paper just said, "Elder Smith" with hearts and swirls.  *headdesk*
But it saved me from The List.  Which is lucky. 
I rarely thought of The List again.  I thought of it when a roommate's fell out of her scriptures.  I thought about it when a friend was rewriting hers in her journal.  I thought about it when a companion wanted to tell me all about hers.  I gasped when I saw it glittering proudly on a 20-something-year-old girl's bedroom wall.  Something about that pinky purple inked checklist made me angry.  If I were a guy, I'd be TICKED. 
See, you guys are always being measured against The List. 
And The List becomes The Law. 
And its more than just the churchy stuff on the list!  It includes babysitting experience, attractiveness, hair color, financial stability, and a lot more. 
I have really and truly seen many, many girls decide to never give some guys a chance because they don't fulfill the requirements of The List.  "I'll never go on a date with him because he isn't a return missionary, has a student loan, wasn't given a leadership position on his mission, I heard him swear once, he is too short, he doesn't want x number of kids, doesn't have enough money, doesn't want a high enough paying job, has too long of hair, the wrong color hair, not clean cut enough . . . "  Sound familiar? 

This is wrong.  Ladies.  Throw away the list.  You are a big girl now, capable of making good decisions and listening to the Spirit.  You might strike someone out who would be really great for you.  There is so much more to people than just the things on your list! 

Spill, do you have a list?  Does it rule your dating world? 
Have you ever dated a girl with a list?  Did you know about it? 

Not now

As an LDS single, I bet you're familiar with a lot of not nows . . . .

DON'T DATE until you're 16. 
DON'T GO ON DATES 1 ON 1 until you're 18 or after a mission. 
DON'T BE EXCLUSIVE until you're ready for marriage.
DON'T HAVE SEX until you're married. 

Got another one for ya . . .

DON'T TALK ABOUT PAST RELATIONSHIPS until you're talking marriage. 


I think this is sound advice. 

Have you ever been on a first date with someone who talks about past relationships?  It makes you pretty sure that you're not really that exciting to be with and they'd rather be out with one of those other people.  So newly dating is a danger zone for talking about past relationships. 
At the same time, I can imagine that first learning about past relationships after marriage would be pretty dicey too.  Talk about a good way to start an arguement!  I mean, why are you bringing that person up and why are you even thinking about them and why didn't you ever tell me you were to that point in that relationship . . . . that could get ugly. 

So, I'm one of those, "secrets don't make friends" people that thinks you really should know all about your spouse.  I want to know my hubby better than anyone else.  I want to know the whole story . . . even the bad parts.

I think you should talk about past relationships when you are firmly in the talking marraige zone . . . . when the "m-word" isn't scary, but exciting . . . it might be before you're engaged or just after . . . but probably not when in the trenches of wedding planning.  And you have to disclose it all.  Even *gasp!* a few past no-no's. 

WHAT?!?!?  WHY?!?!? 

Well, first and foremost, as future life-long sexual partners, you need to know where the other has been . . . is there any testing you need to do?  Second, there's a chance you'll run into an old flame sometime . . . make the awkward easier by knowing what's up.  Third, past relationships end for a reason and often teach you a lesson.  If you can be a grown up about this conversation, you'll see that your lovey's past has made them who they are.  You should be committed enough at this point in the relationship to be confident that you love each other with eyes wide open, accepting of flaws and faults and history.  Fourth, surprises in marriage can be really hard to take in, especially since you'll probably find the surprises during a rough patch.  Fifth, you've got to know each other's weaknesses so you can help each other when things get tough.  There are a lot of reasons to tell. 

Well, I can disclose all past relationships, but not THAT one . . .
Ummmm, maybe you need to get over that person before you marry someone else.  Just sayin'. 

About past sins . . . ALL of them? 
Well, I don't think you've got a list somewhere to hand over and I don't think your sweetheart gives a crap about the candy bar you stole in third grade.  This is going to require some listening to the Spirit to know just what you should talk about.  You're on your own for that one.  The trick here is to be mature enough on the listening end to realize something that happened 5 years ago really isn't going to destroy your brand new shiny love!  Can you see why this conversation would be a bad idea on a third date? 

Just believe me when I say I love knowing a LOT about my husband.  It helps me to know him better and love him more. 

Its Not Easy Being Green

Just ask Kermit. 


But wait . . . now being green is a good thing!  Recycling, farmers market shopping, driving a Prius. 

So its not easy being an LDS single.  Unless it is.  Which then makes it hard. 
Explanation: 
So, you're single and LDS and have passed up whatever number you thought you'd be married by.  (25 for most of you, 21 for others, 35 for some of you, whatever number.)  Now you probably feel a little guilty, a little sad, a little disappointed, maybe your self worth took a hit or you are now officially perplexed by your patriarchal blessing. 
Someone sees that you're down and blue and talks you back up. 
Being single is kind of a blessing!  You have the time to be of real service and maximize your callings.  You are strong and faithful and can handle this trial.  You start to look on the positive side.  (Which is a good thing!)  You start to see more good things about your situation.  You can travel.  You can work on your education.  You can have fun hobbies and develop your talents.  You can shop.  You can own toys a wife wouldn't let you buy.  Being single becomes fun and easy and good.  You LIKE it.  And you meet divored and unhappy married people and their rather difficult children and think, "Well, this single thing is pretty good, actually.  I LIKE it!"
And it gets tricky. 

I mean, if being single is so great, then why go on uncomfortable dates, deal with relationships, go through a DTR? 

So, here's a problem.  I think being single sometimes becomes so comfortable that some people don't make an effort to meet someone, have a relationship, or get married. 

Do you think this is true?  Do you think it happens?  How do you be happy single, but still make the effort?