Blog Fodder

I found this article and thought, "Woah!  I can make like, 5 blog posts out of this!"  So, give it a read and leave your thoughts. 

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/51631455-80/lds-says-marriage-mormon.html.csp

I've got some posts already spinning about in my brain like
The Mighty Provider
Chickens
The Myth of The One
Dating Economics
Just Ask
Is Timing Really Everything?
Bigger or Better
Why YSA Activities Flop
I'll link 'em as soon as I write 'em, but at this moment, I need to make some Mac and Chreese (yes, chreese . . . my kids have food allergies) and handle a situation involving a broom and Bugs Life.

Domestic Prostitution

You've totally seen it. 

I promise. 

Girl likes guy.  Girl somehow thinks this is 1965 and bakes boy cookies, cleans up his kitchen, makes him dinner, bakes boy a pie. 

And is totally sure its gonna make him LOVE her. 

I know, just about EVERY mormon girl is guilty of a little domestic peep show . . . I once made a guy dinner once a week for almost an entire semester.  (In my defense, he was from my stake and was living off ramen noodles, apples, and peanut butter because he didn't have much money and I probably would have done the same thing even if I hadn't liked him . . . . but I'll admit to an unterior motive.)  Another time I made a guy cookies just before Christmas break only to catch him making out with some chick when I dropped them off.  (I TOLD you, I did it wrong!)   Point is, guys don't like it like you think they do.  Sure, they like cookies, but they don't make you any more datable. 

Guys will compare you to their mom after you get married.  (One time my hubby and I had a fight because I didn't make lasagna like his moms . . . which lasagna is nasty by the way . . . so I don't make lasagna anymore.  If he wants some, he can make it himself.)  Before, though . . . . dating their mom isn't really the plan. 

I once knew a girl who was so deep into domestic prostitution that she was cooking his dinners, leaving him neatly labeled lunches, doing his cleaning, and even doing his laundry.  This left him with lots of time to do whatever he wanted . . . specifically date and get engaged to a different girl. 

When you feel the need to bake the boy cookies STOP.  If it isn't his one and only birthday/Christmas gift, better to pop in a chick flick and eat the cookie dough.  If you bake cookies and there are some around when he comes by to visit, by all means, share away . . . but leading with your domestic prowress is a crap idea. 

Honestly, I think I only ever made one meal for my hubby before we were married . . . and it was a dish I took to his Mom's for a potluck dinner after we were engaged and my parents were in town.  The man didn't even know if I could cook.  Didn't matter. 

Knight in Shining Armor

So, I know some of you are waiting for your knight in shining armor. He'll come in all handsome and save you from your miserable life and you'll live happily ever after, right? Most of us got over THAT a long time ago. Life isn't a Disney movie. (Thank goodness! How'd you like to be half a fish, imprisoned in a tower, and be drawn a waistline that seriously damages all your internal organs?!?!)
The flip side?
Are YOU a knight in shining armor? 

I see this ALL THE TIME . . . . call it wanting to serve, the "I found this puppy" syndrome, but I know so many guys and girls who want this job. 

What's wrong with wanting to help someone?  Well, nothing, really.  But wanting to sweep in and save someone from the life they know and make them love you forever has some issues. 

Here are some real-life examples I've seen. 
Girl dates (and pays the rent, buys an xbox for) recently released inmate.  4 months later, he tells her he can't committ.  Keeps xBox.  She's still paying his rent. 
Guy dates girl with serious eating disorder, convinced that his attention will convince her that she's beautiful.  He ends the relationship after a few months, exhausted from trying to save her with compliments.  She now blames him for her problem. 
Girl dates 50 year old man who still lives with his parents and is frequently unemployed.  She pays his kids' bills and is saving to pay the rent in a small apartment they can live in together.  He continues to send his children to her instead of him for help.  He stops looking for work. 
Guy dates girl fresh out of a bad break up.  He gives her presents, fancy dates, lots of flattery, and she goes back to the ex 6 months later.  Keeps the ring. 
Girl dates guy who is struggling with some serious chastity problems.  She's convinced if he really loves her, he'll change.  Guy breaks up with girl after bishop's request.  He is NOT ready for a relationship. 
Guy dates girl who has a missionary she's "waiting" for.  She is sad because she misses the missionary and he wants to make her happy.  No guy can measure up to the man in her head, so she refuses to committ to the guy, but accepts many, many dates.  Tells the guy to get lost 2 months before missionary comes home. 

Its all the same thing.  Its all, "I'm going to swoop in, be the hero, my love will save you and you will love me forever!" 
What's wrong with that? 
In every case, the person that "needs saving" DOES NOT CHANGE.  Change is something you do mostly on your own.  You may have a cheerleader or a shoulder to cry on or even someone you want to change for, but its your choice.  And people almost NEVER change just because someone else wants them to.  In fact, in every case, the "problem" is made worse by the helping.  Also, I think people who ride in to save someone are really just after an ego boost.  They will be the "good one" in the relationship.  It often turns into an abusive relationship later becuase they want to always control the person they're "saving." 

I'm not saying that people with problems can't fall in love and navigate a relationship successfully.  Everyone has problems, everyone has flaws.  But a relationship is about mutual respect, and mutual work, really. 

If you really want to help someone, be a friend.  Help them find appropriate assistance.  And maybe when they've gone through what they need to go through, there will be a chance for a real relationship.  One where you get to be an equal. 

Not now

As an LDS single, I bet you're familiar with a lot of not nows . . . .

DON'T DATE until you're 16. 
DON'T GO ON DATES 1 ON 1 until you're 18 or after a mission. 
DON'T BE EXCLUSIVE until you're ready for marriage.
DON'T HAVE SEX until you're married. 

Got another one for ya . . .

DON'T TALK ABOUT PAST RELATIONSHIPS until you're talking marriage. 


I think this is sound advice. 

Have you ever been on a first date with someone who talks about past relationships?  It makes you pretty sure that you're not really that exciting to be with and they'd rather be out with one of those other people.  So newly dating is a danger zone for talking about past relationships. 
At the same time, I can imagine that first learning about past relationships after marriage would be pretty dicey too.  Talk about a good way to start an arguement!  I mean, why are you bringing that person up and why are you even thinking about them and why didn't you ever tell me you were to that point in that relationship . . . . that could get ugly. 

So, I'm one of those, "secrets don't make friends" people that thinks you really should know all about your spouse.  I want to know my hubby better than anyone else.  I want to know the whole story . . . even the bad parts.

I think you should talk about past relationships when you are firmly in the talking marraige zone . . . . when the "m-word" isn't scary, but exciting . . . it might be before you're engaged or just after . . . but probably not when in the trenches of wedding planning.  And you have to disclose it all.  Even *gasp!* a few past no-no's. 

WHAT?!?!?  WHY?!?!? 

Well, first and foremost, as future life-long sexual partners, you need to know where the other has been . . . is there any testing you need to do?  Second, there's a chance you'll run into an old flame sometime . . . make the awkward easier by knowing what's up.  Third, past relationships end for a reason and often teach you a lesson.  If you can be a grown up about this conversation, you'll see that your lovey's past has made them who they are.  You should be committed enough at this point in the relationship to be confident that you love each other with eyes wide open, accepting of flaws and faults and history.  Fourth, surprises in marriage can be really hard to take in, especially since you'll probably find the surprises during a rough patch.  Fifth, you've got to know each other's weaknesses so you can help each other when things get tough.  There are a lot of reasons to tell. 

Well, I can disclose all past relationships, but not THAT one . . .
Ummmm, maybe you need to get over that person before you marry someone else.  Just sayin'. 

About past sins . . . ALL of them? 
Well, I don't think you've got a list somewhere to hand over and I don't think your sweetheart gives a crap about the candy bar you stole in third grade.  This is going to require some listening to the Spirit to know just what you should talk about.  You're on your own for that one.  The trick here is to be mature enough on the listening end to realize something that happened 5 years ago really isn't going to destroy your brand new shiny love!  Can you see why this conversation would be a bad idea on a third date? 

Just believe me when I say I love knowing a LOT about my husband.  It helps me to know him better and love him more. 

Its Not Easy Being Green

Just ask Kermit. 


But wait . . . now being green is a good thing!  Recycling, farmers market shopping, driving a Prius. 

So its not easy being an LDS single.  Unless it is.  Which then makes it hard. 
Explanation: 
So, you're single and LDS and have passed up whatever number you thought you'd be married by.  (25 for most of you, 21 for others, 35 for some of you, whatever number.)  Now you probably feel a little guilty, a little sad, a little disappointed, maybe your self worth took a hit or you are now officially perplexed by your patriarchal blessing. 
Someone sees that you're down and blue and talks you back up. 
Being single is kind of a blessing!  You have the time to be of real service and maximize your callings.  You are strong and faithful and can handle this trial.  You start to look on the positive side.  (Which is a good thing!)  You start to see more good things about your situation.  You can travel.  You can work on your education.  You can have fun hobbies and develop your talents.  You can shop.  You can own toys a wife wouldn't let you buy.  Being single becomes fun and easy and good.  You LIKE it.  And you meet divored and unhappy married people and their rather difficult children and think, "Well, this single thing is pretty good, actually.  I LIKE it!"
And it gets tricky. 

I mean, if being single is so great, then why go on uncomfortable dates, deal with relationships, go through a DTR? 

So, here's a problem.  I think being single sometimes becomes so comfortable that some people don't make an effort to meet someone, have a relationship, or get married. 

Do you think this is true?  Do you think it happens?  How do you be happy single, but still make the effort? 

On dating people who aren't Mormon . . .

There are a lot of wonderful people out there in the world . . . and a lot of them are NOT LDS . . . So, do you take a love-conquers-all approach and give people of other faiths a chance?  Do you take the no CTR ring, no date approach? 


This is SO TRICKY. 

There really are some wonderful guys and girls out there who are just not Mormon.  But they're everything you want!  Sometimes they even have higher moral standards than most of your YSA group.  So what do you do? 

I always *thought* I believed the love-conquers-all, if-its-meant-to-be-its-meant-to-be stuff.  I did.  I even met very happy part member families on my mission.  Correction, mostly super happy.  Every one of those members would talk to us sometime when their spouce wasn't present and cry.  They LOVE their spouce.  They believe marrying that person was the right thing to do.  They believe their family will be together forever somehow.  But its breaking their heart that their true love hasn't accepted the Gospel yet. 

I think this is an issue for people of every faith . . . if you think what you believe is THE right thing to believe, its hard when someone you love, well, doesn't.  Even harder in religions like the LDS faith where the blessing of eternal families is for couples who are both faithful LDS Church members. 

Back to the question - Should you date people who are not LDS? 
1.  You have to listen to the Spirit . . . which is sometimes hard to hear when you're head over heels.  Just sayin'. 
2.  You need to be honest about how fast and how hard you tend to fall for people . . . do you get attatched easily?  Then maybe the stakes are too high. 
3.  I fell into the category of  "A date or two is OK, but I'm going to be honest from the begining about my religion and goals."  You wouldn't believe how many guys would start talking about marraige or moving away together on a first date or EARLIER who were not LDS.  That's when I let my temple marraige flag fly. They were always offended . . . and obviously a bit desparate. 
4.  Have an exit strategy.  Even if you have a 2 date rule, you're going to have some explaining to do.  You might want to plan what you're saying ahead of time. 

I know a couple that has been dating almost as long as I've been married.  One is a member, wants a temple marriage, wants a CRAZY number of kids, wants to live temple recommend standards.  The other is not a member, doesn't believe in the Church, wants 1 kid, wants to have sex.  So the member occasionally gives in on the morality standards and will settle for two kids.  The other would get baptized and *thinks* go to the temple (I don't think the person knows about the "Do you have a testimony of the restored gospel?" question.) but never really be super active, settle for 2 kids, deal with changing morality rules.  Needless to say, it isn't going well.  They each say they're in love, but can't let go of the dreams they have for their life and future.  It sucks. 
I guess what I'm saying is, you should show everyone respect and kindness, regardless of their religion, but you need to be careful with your heart.  I think this is a big topic, so if you have an opinion about it, please do share.

Its more than you think . . . .

NCMO, friends with benefits, cuddle buddies, call it what you will, but I do not understand the concept of non-committal kissing/cuddling/etc.  If you think its awesome, please explain it to me in the comments. 
Seriously.  I don't get it at all. 

Maybe its because I'm married now and I can have physical intimacy when I want to.  But I don't think that's it, because I didn't understand it when I was single either. 

Maybe its because I'm a girl.   See guys, with girls, it never means nothing.  NEVER.  It always means something.  It might mean, "I just want every boy to like me me me and nobody else," or, "I'm going to make that other guy super jealous."  Usually it means we like you.  And in our romance novel, chick flick abused brains, it means if you say it means nothing, but we let you anyway, that maybe you'll realize YOU FREAKING LOVE ME! 

I like to think boys don't really know how a girl's brain works . . . that they don't realize that girls who make out with them almost always really like them . . . and its just plain mean to lead her on. 
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M LEADING HER ON?!?!?  I TOLD HER IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! 
She doesn't believe you.  We never do . . . because it never means nothing to us. 

Boys, please explain this to me.  I know for a fact many of you prefer xBox to making out.  So why lead them on?  Is it revenge on that one really mean girl?  Because she isn't really getting the karma via NCMO . . . .

Girls, if he says it doesn't mean anything, then it doesn't.  And if it doesn't mean anything, its not really any fun.  Its the attraction, the mutual affection, the flutter of, "Oh my heck he could be the ONE!" that's fun.  Not the nasty tounge mashing.  If you think about it, its pretty gross, actually.  Wow, I am tired, so this is random . . . back to the point.  If he says it doesn't mean anything don't do it.  Say no.  Say if we're not dating, then we're not doing that. 
Do another girl in the future a huge favor by teaching Mr. Committment-phobe a lesson.