Really? REALLY?

I hear a lot of guys say that they wish girls would be more self confident.  That confidence is what really lets someone's beauty shine through.  To a certain extent, I agree.  I know for me, I was always more successful in dating, and really life in general, when I wasn't totally wrapped up in worrying about all my physical flaws. 
This self esteem/self worth/confidence thing can be tough in our superficial, over sexed, youth obsessed society.  Its hard for guys and even worse for girls.  It is tough not to let the world and the general standard of beauty beat the crap out of you, quite frankly!







So I always appreciate it when a guy can honestly say he values confidence more than any specific beauty trait.
Flip side, I'm always enraged when they go ahead and let the natural man take over in dating. Now, guys, don't think I'm picking on you . . . check out this post where I get after the girls pretty good: http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/08/attractive.html 
I mean, if confidence is attractive, aren't you kind of killing off your selection of eligable, datable girls if you tear them apart?!?
Here's what prompted this tirade . . . .

Weeks ago, a guy from our (me and the hub's) old singles ward posted on facebook that he really wanted to start dating again and was anyone willing to set him up?  My hubby enjoys matchmaking, so he decided to set him up with one of my sister's old friends.  He's 32, she's in her mid 20's, he's waiting for a career to take off, so is she, both have a tough time finding people to date because they're a little shy . . . why not?  So we gave him her number.  They've spoken on the phone quite a few times and he was having a hard time getting up the nerve to ask her out.  Then my hubby gets a text from the guy: 
"Hey man, what does this girl look like?" 
"Haven't you been out with her?" 
"No, not yet.  What does she look like?  Is she pretty?  What does she weigh?" 
I am now stomping around cleaning things.  (I clean when I'm mad . . . my hubby should tick me off WAY more often . . . my house is kinda messy.) 
"Dude, that's not cool to ask." 
"I'm just wondering." 
"She's just fine.  Do you think I'd set you up with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all?  C'mon man.  Anyway, its a BLIND date.  That's what it means.  You don't get to know what she looks like." 
No more texts.  Big kisses for hubby who handled it pretty well. 

A few weeks later: 
"Hey man, so tell me about this girl?" 
"I thought you were calling her and stuff." 
"I am, but we still haven't met up.  What does she look like?" 
"You know how to use facebook." 
A few minutes later . . .
"Dude, you know I'm like, 125 lbs, right?"
"Yeah.  Why are you telling me that?" 
"Well, she looks kind of bigger." 
"What?  Who cares!  I thought you were talking to her and liked her." 
"Yeah." 
"Then who cares?"
"Well, I still think I'd rather have a skinny girl." 
Hubby throws phone and stomps around cleaning things.  (I was a picky girl and I picked me a good one!) 

I holler, "Well, maybe she'd rather not date a BALDING MIDGET!" as I loudly load the dishwasher. (The guy is pretty short and sparse.  This was mean to say, but he couldn't hear me.  There is NOTHING WRONG with short people (I am one!) or bald people (I'm related to a lot of bald people.)) 
I mean, this girl isn't a supermodel, but she isn't in terrible shape . . . she's clearly taking care of herself and within a reasonably healthy weight range and even if she wasn't, WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!?
I holler, "You'd better never get anyone pregnant then!" as I chuck mega blocks into the bin.  (Pregnancy isn't always pretty.) 

Here's the thing. 
Ya'll need to quit being superficial on BOTH sides.  Let it go.  Personality, compatability, sense of humor, spirituality, quirks, these things last.  Your looks don't.  Everyone has physical flaws.  Everyone ages, everyone changes.  People are more than bodies. 

Dancing Queen

Stake dances. 
Make them worse, and you get
YSA Dances. 


I'm not 100% sure why they still exist . . . I mean, I know the leaders pull out that bible verse about praising the Lord with singing and dancing, but I think they really just want to make sure you suffer the utter awkwardness that they did 20 years ago.  Green and gold ball.  Pukefest. 

But, I did say you HAVE TO GO.  Right here, see?  http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/07/where-boys-are.html

So here's how you handle it without making a complete fool of yourself. 
1.  Don't be a wallflower.  (Because you should have just stayed home.  You're not going to meet anyone AND you are perptetuating the awkwardness.  Plus you'll be in a terrible mood so if you DO meet anyone, you'll leave a less than stellar impression.)
2.  Dance. 
I realize this is the hard part, but beyond the wallflowers, who we've established are not in a good mood anyway, no one is watching because they're too busy trying not to look foolish.  Pointers on dancing: 
          a.  If you really think you can't dance, practice ahead of time by babysitting or volunteering in nursrey.  March to a beat.  If you're moving to the beat, you're doing fine.  If you can't, practice. 
          b.  Do some silly moves.  Because if you can laugh at yourself, you are confident, humble, and fun.  Shopping cart, baby! 
          c.  GIRLS:  Do not bust out your moves from your lap dancing work out video.  You'll just embarass yourself and others.  Keep it fun.  No one brought dollar bills anyway and you don't take credit cards.  Just sayin.
          d.  Talk while you dance.  If the music is too loud, ask them to turn it down just a bit.  You're there to be social, not get a work out. 
          e.  Dance with a group of girls and guys.  I'm mostly talking to girls here . . . you're notorious for dancing in a man repelling circle of bff's. 
          f.  Slow song?  Ask someone to dance.  Yes, I'm talking to the guys AND the girls.  Its not a big deal . . . . which brings us to . . .
          g.  Say yes.  Its a dance.  Its not even a date.  It ain't gonna kill you to dance with someone you're not in love with.  You might make a new friend, find out they're not as unattractive as you thought (see previous post), or, in the worst-case scenario, have a funny story to tell someday.
I know the music isn't great, the decorations laughable and the food, well, GONE, but make the best of it and have a good time.  They don't come around that often.  It'll be ok. 

What?  What do you wear? 

If its a costume dance, dress up.  Find two friends to do it too.  If no one else does, you're the cool one.  If its not a costume dance, wear something you feel comfortable and confident in.  (And maybe dust off your For the Strength of Youth pamphlet . . . hot pants and a corset might not be the best plan . . . . )  And flat shoes, girls.  You can wear heels, but bring flats.  You're not in charge of making sure the chairs don't float away. 

Attractive . . .

There was this big shift in the late 90's.  See, we'd just done grunge, anything goes, just be yourself, accept people for who they are and then, all of the sudden, here comes Brittney Spears with her bubble gum pop, mini skirts, and bleached hair and BAM!  You've gotta be who you are BUT be physically attractive. 
I remember all of the sudden people worried more about hair, make up, and the plastic surgery industry went BANANAS. 
I also remember that all of the sudden when LDS people were talking about dating, they always summed it up with, "but the other person should be reasonably attractive.  I mean, you can't multiply and replenish the earth if you just don't think the other person is attractive." 

This is STUPID.  Its a clear example of letting the "world" dictate your behavior. 
 "b b b b b b b BUT!" 
NO.  Its stupid. 

Ok, I'll prove it.  Think back to when you were a little kid.  Who was the most beautiful woman in the world?  Your mom.  Event the Disney princesses took a back seat to mommy.  Who was the most handsome?  Dad. 

No, I'm not going to get all Freud here.  I think there's a real reason.  You thought your parents were BEAUTIFUL people.  Why?  Because you loved them.  You loved them completely.  They could yell at you and make you mad and not buy you candy and you woke up the next day and loved them.  Now that I have kids, I totally see this in action.  There is nobody my kids love more than Mom and Dad no matter how imperfect we are. 
Flip side - every mom and dad thinks their children are BEAUTIFUL.  I've seen some of those kids with the super proud parents on Toddlers and Tiaras and been like, ummm . . . . . yeah.  Admit it, we've all seen ugly babies with doting parents and grandparents. 
So, what has that got to do with finding people attractive? 

If you love someone, there's a good chance, you'll find them attractive.  NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  If you find them attractive first, there's a good chance you're experiencing lust, not love. 

I'm not saying you can't date attractive people, I'm just saying you can't decide whether someone is attractive or not before you get to know them pretty well. 

I was talking to someone about this and explained that the way people look changes over time . . . . you gain weight, you lose weight, you have babies (hello, stretch marks and loose skin on my tummy!), you get wrinkles, grey hair, dudes sprout chest hair, and nose hair . . . . it happens.  And if you are shallow and went for looks first, rather than love, you will be one unhappy couple. 

Also, this seems to be a problem more widespread among the ladies.  On the whole, guys seem less caught up in this.  I've seen guys date lots of not super cute girls.  They like those girls because they're nice and fun and hey, maybe they are cute after all.  (That's how it works!) 
Girls will refuse to even TALK to a boy they deem unattractive so they don't "lead him on".  Jerks.  Really!  And when they talk about boys, its always about how they LOOK.  This makes for grouchy jaded boys who don't even bother to ask girls out.  This is pretty much our fault, girls. 

BUT, I sympathize with you ladies because we were RAISED this way.  (Stupid Disney princesses!)  I mean, we're not just worried about what the guys look like . . . we're always beating the crap out of ourselves over a blemish, smudged makeup, hair color, uneven tan, wrong bra size . . . we don't discriminate . . . we critique ourselves the worst and then move on to everyone else. 
I'll let you in on something I very recently figured out . . . I didn't meet my husband until I knocked that off.  I had to make a conscious decision to stop.  And I wasn't perfect at it, but I tried.  I took care of myself, but stayed too busy to be constantly worried about how I (and everyone else) looked.  And I married myself someone who I find very attractive . . . but it wasn't like I was squealing, "He's so hot!" when I met him. 

So, long winded post, but I'm putting it out there!  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Anyone care to experiment with letting go of the superficial business and letting us know if it impacts YOUR love life?

On dating people who aren't Mormon . . .

There are a lot of wonderful people out there in the world . . . and a lot of them are NOT LDS . . . So, do you take a love-conquers-all approach and give people of other faiths a chance?  Do you take the no CTR ring, no date approach? 


This is SO TRICKY. 

There really are some wonderful guys and girls out there who are just not Mormon.  But they're everything you want!  Sometimes they even have higher moral standards than most of your YSA group.  So what do you do? 

I always *thought* I believed the love-conquers-all, if-its-meant-to-be-its-meant-to-be stuff.  I did.  I even met very happy part member families on my mission.  Correction, mostly super happy.  Every one of those members would talk to us sometime when their spouce wasn't present and cry.  They LOVE their spouce.  They believe marrying that person was the right thing to do.  They believe their family will be together forever somehow.  But its breaking their heart that their true love hasn't accepted the Gospel yet. 

I think this is an issue for people of every faith . . . if you think what you believe is THE right thing to believe, its hard when someone you love, well, doesn't.  Even harder in religions like the LDS faith where the blessing of eternal families is for couples who are both faithful LDS Church members. 

Back to the question - Should you date people who are not LDS? 
1.  You have to listen to the Spirit . . . which is sometimes hard to hear when you're head over heels.  Just sayin'. 
2.  You need to be honest about how fast and how hard you tend to fall for people . . . do you get attatched easily?  Then maybe the stakes are too high. 
3.  I fell into the category of  "A date or two is OK, but I'm going to be honest from the begining about my religion and goals."  You wouldn't believe how many guys would start talking about marraige or moving away together on a first date or EARLIER who were not LDS.  That's when I let my temple marraige flag fly. They were always offended . . . and obviously a bit desparate. 
4.  Have an exit strategy.  Even if you have a 2 date rule, you're going to have some explaining to do.  You might want to plan what you're saying ahead of time. 

I know a couple that has been dating almost as long as I've been married.  One is a member, wants a temple marriage, wants a CRAZY number of kids, wants to live temple recommend standards.  The other is not a member, doesn't believe in the Church, wants 1 kid, wants to have sex.  So the member occasionally gives in on the morality standards and will settle for two kids.  The other would get baptized and *thinks* go to the temple (I don't think the person knows about the "Do you have a testimony of the restored gospel?" question.) but never really be super active, settle for 2 kids, deal with changing morality rules.  Needless to say, it isn't going well.  They each say they're in love, but can't let go of the dreams they have for their life and future.  It sucks. 
I guess what I'm saying is, you should show everyone respect and kindness, regardless of their religion, but you need to be careful with your heart.  I think this is a big topic, so if you have an opinion about it, please do share.

Where the boys are . . .

I never meet anyone to date. 

This is the most common thing I've heard singles say and I totally said it all the time.  Well, knock it off because
1.  Its rude. 
2.  This is a personal problem.  Fix it. 

So, why is it rude?  You say this in front of people who then think, "Why the heck aren't I dateable?!?!"  You really ought to stop the judging if you want to do any dating.  Nobody's perfect.  Step one to dating?  Stop ruling people out before you really get to know them. 

How to fix it: 
You're a SINGLE ADULT!  You don't have many limits on where you could go and what you could do. 
First and foremost, I have to say, if you've been failing at dating and been somewhere a long time, there are some clear benefits to moving.  You can be whoever you want in a brand new place.  No one knows you, so no one is going to base what they think of you on the way you've acted in the past.  You can be a whole new, better, you!  Now, I understand you might have committments (job, mortgage, lease, ailing parents) so you might have to stay put.  It'll be a little harder to give yourself a dateable makeover, but you can.  But do consider moving if you feel your situation is impossible for dating. 
GIRLS:  Do you find yourself saying this a lot to your girlfriends?  While you go to the latest chick flick and get your nails done?  Yeah.  You're not exactly going to meet anyone hanging out with your girlfriends.  You need to go where the boys are.  Are you attending all the activities?  How about the multi stake ones?  The SPORTS ones? 
I know, I know, but you suck at sports and hate playing.  I feel your pain, but do you want to meet a guy or not?  He isn't going to show up at your slumber party.  Life is not a Jane Austen or Stephanie Meyers novel.  Sorry.  So go.  I know you're not awesome at it, but try.  No squealing, hand flapping, or fetal position.  Its a ball, not a bomb.  You'll live.  And try to have a little fun. 
OR, you love sports!  You're super competitive and you are gonna kick some guy butt!  Show them how they really ought to get to the gym more because their fat video game playing butts are no match for your skill!  Because that makes them feel confident that they want to spend more time with you . . . . *did you sense the sarcasm?*  CHILL OUT, sporty spice . . . its a game and getting all worked up and angry about it kind of freaks people out . . . girls and guys both.  You can get all fierce on your competitive team.  An activity is supposed to be fun, mmm kay? 
Ladies - bottom line - go where there will be guys.  Can't meet them in your apartment.  Or Enrichment.  When you get there, be approachable, have fun, and be happy. 
GUYS:  I know there's a game on, but its 2011.  DVR it.  Go to stuff.  If its not a game, its a Lord of the Rings/Fast and Furious/Indiana Jones/Star Wars marathon - TV is not an excuse.  The guys who sit home aren't going to get the girl.  If the Relief Society president plans a less-than stellar activity (dance lessons, scrapbooking, tying a quilt after institute - really?), go and make the best of it with a good attitude.  Girls love it when we see a guy who can enjoy the service project, goof off a little at FHE, dress up for the Halloween party. 

Now, beyond the church-sponsored activities, you need to say yes to the invites to the pool, the cabin, the after institute party.  You might feel awkward at first, but it gets easier.

BOTTOM LINE: 
Girls, you're not going to meet anyone to date at the new chick flick/nail salon/shoe store. 
Guys, she isn't going to be hanging out with your buddies for the game. 
Go to stuff, talk to people, and have fun.