Not now

As an LDS single, I bet you're familiar with a lot of not nows . . . .

DON'T DATE until you're 16. 
DON'T GO ON DATES 1 ON 1 until you're 18 or after a mission. 
DON'T BE EXCLUSIVE until you're ready for marriage.
DON'T HAVE SEX until you're married. 

Got another one for ya . . .

DON'T TALK ABOUT PAST RELATIONSHIPS until you're talking marriage. 


I think this is sound advice. 

Have you ever been on a first date with someone who talks about past relationships?  It makes you pretty sure that you're not really that exciting to be with and they'd rather be out with one of those other people.  So newly dating is a danger zone for talking about past relationships. 
At the same time, I can imagine that first learning about past relationships after marriage would be pretty dicey too.  Talk about a good way to start an arguement!  I mean, why are you bringing that person up and why are you even thinking about them and why didn't you ever tell me you were to that point in that relationship . . . . that could get ugly. 

So, I'm one of those, "secrets don't make friends" people that thinks you really should know all about your spouse.  I want to know my hubby better than anyone else.  I want to know the whole story . . . even the bad parts.

I think you should talk about past relationships when you are firmly in the talking marraige zone . . . . when the "m-word" isn't scary, but exciting . . . it might be before you're engaged or just after . . . but probably not when in the trenches of wedding planning.  And you have to disclose it all.  Even *gasp!* a few past no-no's. 

WHAT?!?!?  WHY?!?!? 

Well, first and foremost, as future life-long sexual partners, you need to know where the other has been . . . is there any testing you need to do?  Second, there's a chance you'll run into an old flame sometime . . . make the awkward easier by knowing what's up.  Third, past relationships end for a reason and often teach you a lesson.  If you can be a grown up about this conversation, you'll see that your lovey's past has made them who they are.  You should be committed enough at this point in the relationship to be confident that you love each other with eyes wide open, accepting of flaws and faults and history.  Fourth, surprises in marriage can be really hard to take in, especially since you'll probably find the surprises during a rough patch.  Fifth, you've got to know each other's weaknesses so you can help each other when things get tough.  There are a lot of reasons to tell. 

Well, I can disclose all past relationships, but not THAT one . . .
Ummmm, maybe you need to get over that person before you marry someone else.  Just sayin'. 

About past sins . . . ALL of them? 
Well, I don't think you've got a list somewhere to hand over and I don't think your sweetheart gives a crap about the candy bar you stole in third grade.  This is going to require some listening to the Spirit to know just what you should talk about.  You're on your own for that one.  The trick here is to be mature enough on the listening end to realize something that happened 5 years ago really isn't going to destroy your brand new shiny love!  Can you see why this conversation would be a bad idea on a third date? 

Just believe me when I say I love knowing a LOT about my husband.  It helps me to know him better and love him more. 

On dating people who aren't Mormon . . .

There are a lot of wonderful people out there in the world . . . and a lot of them are NOT LDS . . . So, do you take a love-conquers-all approach and give people of other faiths a chance?  Do you take the no CTR ring, no date approach? 


This is SO TRICKY. 

There really are some wonderful guys and girls out there who are just not Mormon.  But they're everything you want!  Sometimes they even have higher moral standards than most of your YSA group.  So what do you do? 

I always *thought* I believed the love-conquers-all, if-its-meant-to-be-its-meant-to-be stuff.  I did.  I even met very happy part member families on my mission.  Correction, mostly super happy.  Every one of those members would talk to us sometime when their spouce wasn't present and cry.  They LOVE their spouce.  They believe marrying that person was the right thing to do.  They believe their family will be together forever somehow.  But its breaking their heart that their true love hasn't accepted the Gospel yet. 

I think this is an issue for people of every faith . . . if you think what you believe is THE right thing to believe, its hard when someone you love, well, doesn't.  Even harder in religions like the LDS faith where the blessing of eternal families is for couples who are both faithful LDS Church members. 

Back to the question - Should you date people who are not LDS? 
1.  You have to listen to the Spirit . . . which is sometimes hard to hear when you're head over heels.  Just sayin'. 
2.  You need to be honest about how fast and how hard you tend to fall for people . . . do you get attatched easily?  Then maybe the stakes are too high. 
3.  I fell into the category of  "A date or two is OK, but I'm going to be honest from the begining about my religion and goals."  You wouldn't believe how many guys would start talking about marraige or moving away together on a first date or EARLIER who were not LDS.  That's when I let my temple marraige flag fly. They were always offended . . . and obviously a bit desparate. 
4.  Have an exit strategy.  Even if you have a 2 date rule, you're going to have some explaining to do.  You might want to plan what you're saying ahead of time. 

I know a couple that has been dating almost as long as I've been married.  One is a member, wants a temple marriage, wants a CRAZY number of kids, wants to live temple recommend standards.  The other is not a member, doesn't believe in the Church, wants 1 kid, wants to have sex.  So the member occasionally gives in on the morality standards and will settle for two kids.  The other would get baptized and *thinks* go to the temple (I don't think the person knows about the "Do you have a testimony of the restored gospel?" question.) but never really be super active, settle for 2 kids, deal with changing morality rules.  Needless to say, it isn't going well.  They each say they're in love, but can't let go of the dreams they have for their life and future.  It sucks. 
I guess what I'm saying is, you should show everyone respect and kindness, regardless of their religion, but you need to be careful with your heart.  I think this is a big topic, so if you have an opinion about it, please do share.

Talk to me!

So, I want this blog to be HELPFUL.  And I can guess at what issues/problems/questions/frustrations you're having, because I've been there.  (Got hitched at 26 - but was planning on being single a lot longer!) 
BUT
This blog can be better if you talk to me.  Really. 
I've set this blog up with the right settings - you can comment anonymously so NO ONE will know who you are and NO ONE can stalk you.  (Because we all know, creepy happens.)
So, tell me what's up.  What are you wondering about?  Who is making you CRAZY?  Do you think I'm WAY off on something?  Comment away.  Your secret's safe with me.  Because really, who am I gonna tell?  My three year old who doesn't even talk (he has autism) or my one year old.  I think you're good.

Flirting - its a balancing act . . . .

There seem to be two major types of people when it comes to flirting. 
1.  I flirt constantly with anything that moves. 
2.  I never flirt. 
The, trick, my friends, is to be somewhere in the middle. 

Do's
Do flirt a LITTLE with everyone . . . . you never know how much it will help someone's confidence.  And you never know who will take notice, think you seem pretty fun and personable and they really ought to ask you out sometime. 
Do practice.  Not into that guy/girl?  A *little* flirting is harmless.  If you flirt a bit, it gets easier, and he/she gets an ego boost.  win win!

Don't
Don't flirt with married people.  Are you an idiot? 
Don't limit flirting to the people you're interested in . . . because it will be too obvious, too awkward . . . you want flirting to be a personality trait, not an olympic sport. 
Don't take flirting too seriously. 
Don't go too far. 

This brings us to the next point . . . appropriate vs. inappropriate flirting. 
Good flirting is
flattering
happy
fun
ends with normal conversation
appropriately light

Bad flirting is
offensive (sarcasm can get offensive real quick . . . so can teasing about someone's traits.)
constant
pouty
needy
sexy (Yes, sexy.  You'll either look stupid, or disgusting.  Don't lead with your sex appeal . . . lead with your personality.) 
competitive (you can flirt with him/her later, just walk away.)

You've got to keep it light & happy  . . . its like perfume or cologne.  You want everyone to think you smell nice, but not choke anyone.

About Me

I'm a 30 year old mother of two who is qualified to help you with dating because I did it all wrong.  How do you get through 4 years at BYU-I without a single real relationship in Rexburg?  How do you write a missionary for 2 years and have it take nearly a year after he gets home to even go on a date?  How do you wind up hiding behind dumpsters to avoid the dreaded DTR?  And then, one day, I figured it out.  I was making it all entirely too hard.  This isn't about Molly Mormon, Peter Priesthood, Becky Homemaker or that guy/girl your parents can't stand.  This is about real people having real expectations, real relationships, and being happy.  But it takes two to tango.  Book of Mormon distance, people. 

Ending up pretty darn happily married is no accident.

So tell your FHE group, the guy who can't commit, that girl who keeps calling you, and drop by!  Ask questions, seek advice, and be open for some change.