Really? REALLY?

I hear a lot of guys say that they wish girls would be more self confident.  That confidence is what really lets someone's beauty shine through.  To a certain extent, I agree.  I know for me, I was always more successful in dating, and really life in general, when I wasn't totally wrapped up in worrying about all my physical flaws. 
This self esteem/self worth/confidence thing can be tough in our superficial, over sexed, youth obsessed society.  Its hard for guys and even worse for girls.  It is tough not to let the world and the general standard of beauty beat the crap out of you, quite frankly!







So I always appreciate it when a guy can honestly say he values confidence more than any specific beauty trait.
Flip side, I'm always enraged when they go ahead and let the natural man take over in dating. Now, guys, don't think I'm picking on you . . . check out this post where I get after the girls pretty good: http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/08/attractive.html 
I mean, if confidence is attractive, aren't you kind of killing off your selection of eligable, datable girls if you tear them apart?!?
Here's what prompted this tirade . . . .

Weeks ago, a guy from our (me and the hub's) old singles ward posted on facebook that he really wanted to start dating again and was anyone willing to set him up?  My hubby enjoys matchmaking, so he decided to set him up with one of my sister's old friends.  He's 32, she's in her mid 20's, he's waiting for a career to take off, so is she, both have a tough time finding people to date because they're a little shy . . . why not?  So we gave him her number.  They've spoken on the phone quite a few times and he was having a hard time getting up the nerve to ask her out.  Then my hubby gets a text from the guy: 
"Hey man, what does this girl look like?" 
"Haven't you been out with her?" 
"No, not yet.  What does she look like?  Is she pretty?  What does she weigh?" 
I am now stomping around cleaning things.  (I clean when I'm mad . . . my hubby should tick me off WAY more often . . . my house is kinda messy.) 
"Dude, that's not cool to ask." 
"I'm just wondering." 
"She's just fine.  Do you think I'd set you up with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all?  C'mon man.  Anyway, its a BLIND date.  That's what it means.  You don't get to know what she looks like." 
No more texts.  Big kisses for hubby who handled it pretty well. 

A few weeks later: 
"Hey man, so tell me about this girl?" 
"I thought you were calling her and stuff." 
"I am, but we still haven't met up.  What does she look like?" 
"You know how to use facebook." 
A few minutes later . . .
"Dude, you know I'm like, 125 lbs, right?"
"Yeah.  Why are you telling me that?" 
"Well, she looks kind of bigger." 
"What?  Who cares!  I thought you were talking to her and liked her." 
"Yeah." 
"Then who cares?"
"Well, I still think I'd rather have a skinny girl." 
Hubby throws phone and stomps around cleaning things.  (I was a picky girl and I picked me a good one!) 

I holler, "Well, maybe she'd rather not date a BALDING MIDGET!" as I loudly load the dishwasher. (The guy is pretty short and sparse.  This was mean to say, but he couldn't hear me.  There is NOTHING WRONG with short people (I am one!) or bald people (I'm related to a lot of bald people.)) 
I mean, this girl isn't a supermodel, but she isn't in terrible shape . . . she's clearly taking care of herself and within a reasonably healthy weight range and even if she wasn't, WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!?
I holler, "You'd better never get anyone pregnant then!" as I chuck mega blocks into the bin.  (Pregnancy isn't always pretty.) 

Here's the thing. 
Ya'll need to quit being superficial on BOTH sides.  Let it go.  Personality, compatability, sense of humor, spirituality, quirks, these things last.  Your looks don't.  Everyone has physical flaws.  Everyone ages, everyone changes.  People are more than bodies. 

Put Down the Glitter Pens and Nobody Gets Hurt

The List. 

Girls, you know what I'm talking about.  Guys, maybe you do too?  Every former Laurel has one.  Tucked into her scriptures, forgotten in a Personal Progress book, well worn in a diary, proudly displayed on her bedroom wall, or always on hand in her purse. 
Usually written on plain white paper, the list is doodle-rific with hearts and swirls and pretty handwriting. 



Most of us started the list the same way . . . . sitting in Young Women's, the often ignored teacher endures the eye rolls at the beginning of another Eternal Marriage lesson, knowing she has a secret weapon.  She struggles to get every girl's attention as she prepares to announce "the fun part" of the hour.  She may even have brought stickers, glitter pens, and scrapbook paper.  The girls quiet down and stare their, "I so know this already" stares and try not to look interested.  The instructor triumphantly holds her chalk in the air and reads, "Qualities I want in a future husband".  The girls slowly reach for the pens.  They write a few things down.  Before they know it, the page is full of Mr. Right's prerequisites. 
When I got this lesson, I happened to be writing a missionary (dumb) so I'm pretty sure my paper just said, "Elder Smith" with hearts and swirls.  *headdesk*
But it saved me from The List.  Which is lucky. 
I rarely thought of The List again.  I thought of it when a roommate's fell out of her scriptures.  I thought about it when a friend was rewriting hers in her journal.  I thought about it when a companion wanted to tell me all about hers.  I gasped when I saw it glittering proudly on a 20-something-year-old girl's bedroom wall.  Something about that pinky purple inked checklist made me angry.  If I were a guy, I'd be TICKED. 
See, you guys are always being measured against The List. 
And The List becomes The Law. 
And its more than just the churchy stuff on the list!  It includes babysitting experience, attractiveness, hair color, financial stability, and a lot more. 
I have really and truly seen many, many girls decide to never give some guys a chance because they don't fulfill the requirements of The List.  "I'll never go on a date with him because he isn't a return missionary, has a student loan, wasn't given a leadership position on his mission, I heard him swear once, he is too short, he doesn't want x number of kids, doesn't have enough money, doesn't want a high enough paying job, has too long of hair, the wrong color hair, not clean cut enough . . . "  Sound familiar? 

This is wrong.  Ladies.  Throw away the list.  You are a big girl now, capable of making good decisions and listening to the Spirit.  You might strike someone out who would be really great for you.  There is so much more to people than just the things on your list! 

Spill, do you have a list?  Does it rule your dating world? 
Have you ever dated a girl with a list?  Did you know about it? 

Its Not Easy Being Green

Just ask Kermit. 


But wait . . . now being green is a good thing!  Recycling, farmers market shopping, driving a Prius. 

So its not easy being an LDS single.  Unless it is.  Which then makes it hard. 
Explanation: 
So, you're single and LDS and have passed up whatever number you thought you'd be married by.  (25 for most of you, 21 for others, 35 for some of you, whatever number.)  Now you probably feel a little guilty, a little sad, a little disappointed, maybe your self worth took a hit or you are now officially perplexed by your patriarchal blessing. 
Someone sees that you're down and blue and talks you back up. 
Being single is kind of a blessing!  You have the time to be of real service and maximize your callings.  You are strong and faithful and can handle this trial.  You start to look on the positive side.  (Which is a good thing!)  You start to see more good things about your situation.  You can travel.  You can work on your education.  You can have fun hobbies and develop your talents.  You can shop.  You can own toys a wife wouldn't let you buy.  Being single becomes fun and easy and good.  You LIKE it.  And you meet divored and unhappy married people and their rather difficult children and think, "Well, this single thing is pretty good, actually.  I LIKE it!"
And it gets tricky. 

I mean, if being single is so great, then why go on uncomfortable dates, deal with relationships, go through a DTR? 

So, here's a problem.  I think being single sometimes becomes so comfortable that some people don't make an effort to meet someone, have a relationship, or get married. 

Do you think this is true?  Do you think it happens?  How do you be happy single, but still make the effort? 

Attractive . . .

There was this big shift in the late 90's.  See, we'd just done grunge, anything goes, just be yourself, accept people for who they are and then, all of the sudden, here comes Brittney Spears with her bubble gum pop, mini skirts, and bleached hair and BAM!  You've gotta be who you are BUT be physically attractive. 
I remember all of the sudden people worried more about hair, make up, and the plastic surgery industry went BANANAS. 
I also remember that all of the sudden when LDS people were talking about dating, they always summed it up with, "but the other person should be reasonably attractive.  I mean, you can't multiply and replenish the earth if you just don't think the other person is attractive." 

This is STUPID.  Its a clear example of letting the "world" dictate your behavior. 
 "b b b b b b b BUT!" 
NO.  Its stupid. 

Ok, I'll prove it.  Think back to when you were a little kid.  Who was the most beautiful woman in the world?  Your mom.  Event the Disney princesses took a back seat to mommy.  Who was the most handsome?  Dad. 

No, I'm not going to get all Freud here.  I think there's a real reason.  You thought your parents were BEAUTIFUL people.  Why?  Because you loved them.  You loved them completely.  They could yell at you and make you mad and not buy you candy and you woke up the next day and loved them.  Now that I have kids, I totally see this in action.  There is nobody my kids love more than Mom and Dad no matter how imperfect we are. 
Flip side - every mom and dad thinks their children are BEAUTIFUL.  I've seen some of those kids with the super proud parents on Toddlers and Tiaras and been like, ummm . . . . . yeah.  Admit it, we've all seen ugly babies with doting parents and grandparents. 
So, what has that got to do with finding people attractive? 

If you love someone, there's a good chance, you'll find them attractive.  NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  If you find them attractive first, there's a good chance you're experiencing lust, not love. 

I'm not saying you can't date attractive people, I'm just saying you can't decide whether someone is attractive or not before you get to know them pretty well. 

I was talking to someone about this and explained that the way people look changes over time . . . . you gain weight, you lose weight, you have babies (hello, stretch marks and loose skin on my tummy!), you get wrinkles, grey hair, dudes sprout chest hair, and nose hair . . . . it happens.  And if you are shallow and went for looks first, rather than love, you will be one unhappy couple. 

Also, this seems to be a problem more widespread among the ladies.  On the whole, guys seem less caught up in this.  I've seen guys date lots of not super cute girls.  They like those girls because they're nice and fun and hey, maybe they are cute after all.  (That's how it works!) 
Girls will refuse to even TALK to a boy they deem unattractive so they don't "lead him on".  Jerks.  Really!  And when they talk about boys, its always about how they LOOK.  This makes for grouchy jaded boys who don't even bother to ask girls out.  This is pretty much our fault, girls. 

BUT, I sympathize with you ladies because we were RAISED this way.  (Stupid Disney princesses!)  I mean, we're not just worried about what the guys look like . . . we're always beating the crap out of ourselves over a blemish, smudged makeup, hair color, uneven tan, wrong bra size . . . we don't discriminate . . . we critique ourselves the worst and then move on to everyone else. 
I'll let you in on something I very recently figured out . . . I didn't meet my husband until I knocked that off.  I had to make a conscious decision to stop.  And I wasn't perfect at it, but I tried.  I took care of myself, but stayed too busy to be constantly worried about how I (and everyone else) looked.  And I married myself someone who I find very attractive . . . but it wasn't like I was squealing, "He's so hot!" when I met him. 

So, long winded post, but I'm putting it out there!  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Anyone care to experiment with letting go of the superficial business and letting us know if it impacts YOUR love life?