I found this article and thought, "Woah! I can make like, 5 blog posts out of this!" So, give it a read and leave your thoughts.
http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/51631455-80/lds-says-marriage-mormon.html.csp
I've got some posts already spinning about in my brain like
The Mighty Provider
Chickens
The Myth of The One
Dating Economics
Just Ask
Is Timing Really Everything?
Bigger or Better
Why YSA Activities Flop
I'll link 'em as soon as I write 'em, but at this moment, I need to make some Mac and Chreese (yes, chreese . . . my kids have food allergies) and handle a situation involving a broom and Bugs Life.
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Knight in Shining Armor
So, I know some of you are waiting for your knight in shining armor. He'll come in all handsome and save you from your miserable life and you'll live happily ever after, right? Most of us got over THAT a long time ago. Life isn't a Disney movie. (Thank goodness! How'd you like to be half a fish, imprisoned in a tower, and be drawn a waistline that seriously damages all your internal organs?!?!)
The flip side?
Are YOU a knight in shining armor?
I see this ALL THE TIME . . . . call it wanting to serve, the "I found this puppy" syndrome, but I know so many guys and girls who want this job.
What's wrong with wanting to help someone? Well, nothing, really. But wanting to sweep in and save someone from the life they know and make them love you forever has some issues.
Here are some real-life examples I've seen.
Girl dates (and pays the rent, buys an xbox for) recently released inmate. 4 months later, he tells her he can't committ. Keeps xBox. She's still paying his rent.
Guy dates girl with serious eating disorder, convinced that his attention will convince her that she's beautiful. He ends the relationship after a few months, exhausted from trying to save her with compliments. She now blames him for her problem.
Girl dates 50 year old man who still lives with his parents and is frequently unemployed. She pays his kids' bills and is saving to pay the rent in a small apartment they can live in together. He continues to send his children to her instead of him for help. He stops looking for work.
Guy dates girl fresh out of a bad break up. He gives her presents, fancy dates, lots of flattery, and she goes back to the ex 6 months later. Keeps the ring.
Girl dates guy who is struggling with some serious chastity problems. She's convinced if he really loves her, he'll change. Guy breaks up with girl after bishop's request. He is NOT ready for a relationship.
Guy dates girl who has a missionary she's "waiting" for. She is sad because she misses the missionary and he wants to make her happy. No guy can measure up to the man in her head, so she refuses to committ to the guy, but accepts many, many dates. Tells the guy to get lost 2 months before missionary comes home.
Its all the same thing. Its all, "I'm going to swoop in, be the hero, my love will save you and you will love me forever!"
What's wrong with that?
In every case, the person that "needs saving" DOES NOT CHANGE. Change is something you do mostly on your own. You may have a cheerleader or a shoulder to cry on or even someone you want to change for, but its your choice. And people almost NEVER change just because someone else wants them to. In fact, in every case, the "problem" is made worse by the helping. Also, I think people who ride in to save someone are really just after an ego boost. They will be the "good one" in the relationship. It often turns into an abusive relationship later becuase they want to always control the person they're "saving."
I'm not saying that people with problems can't fall in love and navigate a relationship successfully. Everyone has problems, everyone has flaws. But a relationship is about mutual respect, and mutual work, really.
If you really want to help someone, be a friend. Help them find appropriate assistance. And maybe when they've gone through what they need to go through, there will be a chance for a real relationship. One where you get to be an equal.
The flip side?
Are YOU a knight in shining armor?
I see this ALL THE TIME . . . . call it wanting to serve, the "I found this puppy" syndrome, but I know so many guys and girls who want this job.
What's wrong with wanting to help someone? Well, nothing, really. But wanting to sweep in and save someone from the life they know and make them love you forever has some issues.
Here are some real-life examples I've seen.
Girl dates (and pays the rent, buys an xbox for) recently released inmate. 4 months later, he tells her he can't committ. Keeps xBox. She's still paying his rent.
Guy dates girl with serious eating disorder, convinced that his attention will convince her that she's beautiful. He ends the relationship after a few months, exhausted from trying to save her with compliments. She now blames him for her problem.
Girl dates 50 year old man who still lives with his parents and is frequently unemployed. She pays his kids' bills and is saving to pay the rent in a small apartment they can live in together. He continues to send his children to her instead of him for help. He stops looking for work.
Guy dates girl fresh out of a bad break up. He gives her presents, fancy dates, lots of flattery, and she goes back to the ex 6 months later. Keeps the ring.
Girl dates guy who is struggling with some serious chastity problems. She's convinced if he really loves her, he'll change. Guy breaks up with girl after bishop's request. He is NOT ready for a relationship.
Guy dates girl who has a missionary she's "waiting" for. She is sad because she misses the missionary and he wants to make her happy. No guy can measure up to the man in her head, so she refuses to committ to the guy, but accepts many, many dates. Tells the guy to get lost 2 months before missionary comes home.
Its all the same thing. Its all, "I'm going to swoop in, be the hero, my love will save you and you will love me forever!"
What's wrong with that?
In every case, the person that "needs saving" DOES NOT CHANGE. Change is something you do mostly on your own. You may have a cheerleader or a shoulder to cry on or even someone you want to change for, but its your choice. And people almost NEVER change just because someone else wants them to. In fact, in every case, the "problem" is made worse by the helping. Also, I think people who ride in to save someone are really just after an ego boost. They will be the "good one" in the relationship. It often turns into an abusive relationship later becuase they want to always control the person they're "saving."
I'm not saying that people with problems can't fall in love and navigate a relationship successfully. Everyone has problems, everyone has flaws. But a relationship is about mutual respect, and mutual work, really.
If you really want to help someone, be a friend. Help them find appropriate assistance. And maybe when they've gone through what they need to go through, there will be a chance for a real relationship. One where you get to be an equal.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Really? REALLY?
I hear a lot of guys say that they wish girls would be more self confident. That confidence is what really lets someone's beauty shine through. To a certain extent, I agree. I know for me, I was always more successful in dating, and really life in general, when I wasn't totally wrapped up in worrying about all my physical flaws.
This self esteem/self worth/confidence thing can be tough in our superficial, over sexed, youth obsessed society. Its hard for guys and even worse for girls. It is tough not to let the world and the general standard of beauty beat the crap out of you, quite frankly!
So I always appreciate it when a guy can honestly say he values confidence more than any specific beauty trait.
Flip side, I'm always enraged when they go ahead and let the natural man take over in dating. Now, guys, don't think I'm picking on you . . . check out this post where I get after the girls pretty good: http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/08/attractive.html
I mean, if confidence is attractive, aren't you kind of killing off your selection of eligable, datable girls if you tear them apart?!?
Here's what prompted this tirade . . . .
Weeks ago, a guy from our (me and the hub's) old singles ward posted on facebook that he really wanted to start dating again and was anyone willing to set him up? My hubby enjoys matchmaking, so he decided to set him up with one of my sister's old friends. He's 32, she's in her mid 20's, he's waiting for a career to take off, so is she, both have a tough time finding people to date because they're a little shy . . . why not? So we gave him her number. They've spoken on the phone quite a few times and he was having a hard time getting up the nerve to ask her out. Then my hubby gets a text from the guy:
"Hey man, what does this girl look like?"
"Haven't you been out with her?"
"No, not yet. What does she look like? Is she pretty? What does she weigh?"
I am now stomping around cleaning things. (I clean when I'm mad . . . my hubby should tick me off WAY more often . . . my house is kinda messy.)
"Dude, that's not cool to ask."
"I'm just wondering."
"She's just fine. Do you think I'd set you up with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all? C'mon man. Anyway, its a BLIND date. That's what it means. You don't get to know what she looks like."
No more texts. Big kisses for hubby who handled it pretty well.
A few weeks later:
"Hey man, so tell me about this girl?"
"I thought you were calling her and stuff."
"I am, but we still haven't met up. What does she look like?"
"You know how to use facebook."
A few minutes later . . .
"Dude, you know I'm like, 125 lbs, right?"
"Yeah. Why are you telling me that?"
"Well, she looks kind of bigger."
"What? Who cares! I thought you were talking to her and liked her."
"Yeah."
"Then who cares?"
"Well, I still think I'd rather have a skinny girl."
Hubby throws phone and stomps around cleaning things. (I was a picky girl and I picked me a good one!)
I holler, "Well, maybe she'd rather not date a BALDING MIDGET!" as I loudly load the dishwasher. (The guy is pretty short and sparse. This was mean to say, but he couldn't hear me. There is NOTHING WRONG with short people (I am one!) or bald people (I'm related to a lot of bald people.))
I mean, this girl isn't a supermodel, but she isn't in terrible shape . . . she's clearly taking care of herself and within a reasonably healthy weight range and even if she wasn't, WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!?
I holler, "You'd better never get anyone pregnant then!" as I chuck mega blocks into the bin. (Pregnancy isn't always pretty.)
Here's the thing.
Ya'll need to quit being superficial on BOTH sides. Let it go. Personality, compatability, sense of humor, spirituality, quirks, these things last. Your looks don't. Everyone has physical flaws. Everyone ages, everyone changes. People are more than bodies.
This self esteem/self worth/confidence thing can be tough in our superficial, over sexed, youth obsessed society. Its hard for guys and even worse for girls. It is tough not to let the world and the general standard of beauty beat the crap out of you, quite frankly!
So I always appreciate it when a guy can honestly say he values confidence more than any specific beauty trait.
Flip side, I'm always enraged when they go ahead and let the natural man take over in dating. Now, guys, don't think I'm picking on you . . . check out this post where I get after the girls pretty good: http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/08/attractive.html
I mean, if confidence is attractive, aren't you kind of killing off your selection of eligable, datable girls if you tear them apart?!?
Here's what prompted this tirade . . . .
Weeks ago, a guy from our (me and the hub's) old singles ward posted on facebook that he really wanted to start dating again and was anyone willing to set him up? My hubby enjoys matchmaking, so he decided to set him up with one of my sister's old friends. He's 32, she's in her mid 20's, he's waiting for a career to take off, so is she, both have a tough time finding people to date because they're a little shy . . . why not? So we gave him her number. They've spoken on the phone quite a few times and he was having a hard time getting up the nerve to ask her out. Then my hubby gets a text from the guy:
"Hey man, what does this girl look like?"
"Haven't you been out with her?"
"No, not yet. What does she look like? Is she pretty? What does she weigh?"
I am now stomping around cleaning things. (I clean when I'm mad . . . my hubby should tick me off WAY more often . . . my house is kinda messy.)
"Dude, that's not cool to ask."
"I'm just wondering."
"She's just fine. Do you think I'd set you up with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all? C'mon man. Anyway, its a BLIND date. That's what it means. You don't get to know what she looks like."
No more texts. Big kisses for hubby who handled it pretty well.
A few weeks later:
"Hey man, so tell me about this girl?"
"I thought you were calling her and stuff."
"I am, but we still haven't met up. What does she look like?"
"You know how to use facebook."
A few minutes later . . .
"Dude, you know I'm like, 125 lbs, right?"
"Yeah. Why are you telling me that?"
"Well, she looks kind of bigger."
"What? Who cares! I thought you were talking to her and liked her."
"Yeah."
"Then who cares?"
"Well, I still think I'd rather have a skinny girl."
Hubby throws phone and stomps around cleaning things. (I was a picky girl and I picked me a good one!)
I holler, "Well, maybe she'd rather not date a BALDING MIDGET!" as I loudly load the dishwasher. (The guy is pretty short and sparse. This was mean to say, but he couldn't hear me. There is NOTHING WRONG with short people (I am one!) or bald people (I'm related to a lot of bald people.))
I mean, this girl isn't a supermodel, but she isn't in terrible shape . . . she's clearly taking care of herself and within a reasonably healthy weight range and even if she wasn't, WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!?
I holler, "You'd better never get anyone pregnant then!" as I chuck mega blocks into the bin. (Pregnancy isn't always pretty.)
Here's the thing.
Ya'll need to quit being superficial on BOTH sides. Let it go. Personality, compatability, sense of humor, spirituality, quirks, these things last. Your looks don't. Everyone has physical flaws. Everyone ages, everyone changes. People are more than bodies.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Flirting - its a balancing act . . . .
There seem to be two major types of people when it comes to flirting.
1. I flirt constantly with anything that moves.
2. I never flirt.
The, trick, my friends, is to be somewhere in the middle.
Do's
Do flirt a LITTLE with everyone . . . . you never know how much it will help someone's confidence. And you never know who will take notice, think you seem pretty fun and personable and they really ought to ask you out sometime.
Do practice. Not into that guy/girl? A *little* flirting is harmless. If you flirt a bit, it gets easier, and he/she gets an ego boost. win win!
Don't
Don't flirt with married people. Are you an idiot?
Don't limit flirting to the people you're interested in . . . because it will be too obvious, too awkward . . . you want flirting to be a personality trait, not an olympic sport.
Don't take flirting too seriously.
Don't go too far.
This brings us to the next point . . . appropriate vs. inappropriate flirting.
Good flirting is
flattering
happy
fun
ends with normal conversation
appropriately light
Bad flirting is
offensive (sarcasm can get offensive real quick . . . so can teasing about someone's traits.)
constant
pouty
needy
sexy (Yes, sexy. You'll either look stupid, or disgusting. Don't lead with your sex appeal . . . lead with your personality.)
competitive (you can flirt with him/her later, just walk away.)
You've got to keep it light & happy . . . its like perfume or cologne. You want everyone to think you smell nice, but not choke anyone.
1. I flirt constantly with anything that moves.
2. I never flirt.
The, trick, my friends, is to be somewhere in the middle.
Do's
Do flirt a LITTLE with everyone . . . . you never know how much it will help someone's confidence. And you never know who will take notice, think you seem pretty fun and personable and they really ought to ask you out sometime.
Do practice. Not into that guy/girl? A *little* flirting is harmless. If you flirt a bit, it gets easier, and he/she gets an ego boost. win win!
Don't
Don't flirt with married people. Are you an idiot?
Don't limit flirting to the people you're interested in . . . because it will be too obvious, too awkward . . . you want flirting to be a personality trait, not an olympic sport.
Don't take flirting too seriously.
Don't go too far.
This brings us to the next point . . . appropriate vs. inappropriate flirting.
Good flirting is
flattering
happy
fun
ends with normal conversation
appropriately light
Bad flirting is
offensive (sarcasm can get offensive real quick . . . so can teasing about someone's traits.)
constant
pouty
needy
sexy (Yes, sexy. You'll either look stupid, or disgusting. Don't lead with your sex appeal . . . lead with your personality.)
competitive (you can flirt with him/her later, just walk away.)
You've got to keep it light & happy . . . its like perfume or cologne. You want everyone to think you smell nice, but not choke anyone.
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