Dancing Queen

Stake dances. 
Make them worse, and you get
YSA Dances. 


I'm not 100% sure why they still exist . . . I mean, I know the leaders pull out that bible verse about praising the Lord with singing and dancing, but I think they really just want to make sure you suffer the utter awkwardness that they did 20 years ago.  Green and gold ball.  Pukefest. 

But, I did say you HAVE TO GO.  Right here, see?  http://ldsinstituteofdating.blogspot.com/2011/07/where-boys-are.html

So here's how you handle it without making a complete fool of yourself. 
1.  Don't be a wallflower.  (Because you should have just stayed home.  You're not going to meet anyone AND you are perptetuating the awkwardness.  Plus you'll be in a terrible mood so if you DO meet anyone, you'll leave a less than stellar impression.)
2.  Dance. 
I realize this is the hard part, but beyond the wallflowers, who we've established are not in a good mood anyway, no one is watching because they're too busy trying not to look foolish.  Pointers on dancing: 
          a.  If you really think you can't dance, practice ahead of time by babysitting or volunteering in nursrey.  March to a beat.  If you're moving to the beat, you're doing fine.  If you can't, practice. 
          b.  Do some silly moves.  Because if you can laugh at yourself, you are confident, humble, and fun.  Shopping cart, baby! 
          c.  GIRLS:  Do not bust out your moves from your lap dancing work out video.  You'll just embarass yourself and others.  Keep it fun.  No one brought dollar bills anyway and you don't take credit cards.  Just sayin.
          d.  Talk while you dance.  If the music is too loud, ask them to turn it down just a bit.  You're there to be social, not get a work out. 
          e.  Dance with a group of girls and guys.  I'm mostly talking to girls here . . . you're notorious for dancing in a man repelling circle of bff's. 
          f.  Slow song?  Ask someone to dance.  Yes, I'm talking to the guys AND the girls.  Its not a big deal . . . . which brings us to . . .
          g.  Say yes.  Its a dance.  Its not even a date.  It ain't gonna kill you to dance with someone you're not in love with.  You might make a new friend, find out they're not as unattractive as you thought (see previous post), or, in the worst-case scenario, have a funny story to tell someday.
I know the music isn't great, the decorations laughable and the food, well, GONE, but make the best of it and have a good time.  They don't come around that often.  It'll be ok. 

What?  What do you wear? 

If its a costume dance, dress up.  Find two friends to do it too.  If no one else does, you're the cool one.  If its not a costume dance, wear something you feel comfortable and confident in.  (And maybe dust off your For the Strength of Youth pamphlet . . . hot pants and a corset might not be the best plan . . . . )  And flat shoes, girls.  You can wear heels, but bring flats.  You're not in charge of making sure the chairs don't float away. 

Attractive . . .

There was this big shift in the late 90's.  See, we'd just done grunge, anything goes, just be yourself, accept people for who they are and then, all of the sudden, here comes Brittney Spears with her bubble gum pop, mini skirts, and bleached hair and BAM!  You've gotta be who you are BUT be physically attractive. 
I remember all of the sudden people worried more about hair, make up, and the plastic surgery industry went BANANAS. 
I also remember that all of the sudden when LDS people were talking about dating, they always summed it up with, "but the other person should be reasonably attractive.  I mean, you can't multiply and replenish the earth if you just don't think the other person is attractive." 

This is STUPID.  Its a clear example of letting the "world" dictate your behavior. 
 "b b b b b b b BUT!" 
NO.  Its stupid. 

Ok, I'll prove it.  Think back to when you were a little kid.  Who was the most beautiful woman in the world?  Your mom.  Event the Disney princesses took a back seat to mommy.  Who was the most handsome?  Dad. 

No, I'm not going to get all Freud here.  I think there's a real reason.  You thought your parents were BEAUTIFUL people.  Why?  Because you loved them.  You loved them completely.  They could yell at you and make you mad and not buy you candy and you woke up the next day and loved them.  Now that I have kids, I totally see this in action.  There is nobody my kids love more than Mom and Dad no matter how imperfect we are. 
Flip side - every mom and dad thinks their children are BEAUTIFUL.  I've seen some of those kids with the super proud parents on Toddlers and Tiaras and been like, ummm . . . . . yeah.  Admit it, we've all seen ugly babies with doting parents and grandparents. 
So, what has that got to do with finding people attractive? 

If you love someone, there's a good chance, you'll find them attractive.  NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  If you find them attractive first, there's a good chance you're experiencing lust, not love. 

I'm not saying you can't date attractive people, I'm just saying you can't decide whether someone is attractive or not before you get to know them pretty well. 

I was talking to someone about this and explained that the way people look changes over time . . . . you gain weight, you lose weight, you have babies (hello, stretch marks and loose skin on my tummy!), you get wrinkles, grey hair, dudes sprout chest hair, and nose hair . . . . it happens.  And if you are shallow and went for looks first, rather than love, you will be one unhappy couple. 

Also, this seems to be a problem more widespread among the ladies.  On the whole, guys seem less caught up in this.  I've seen guys date lots of not super cute girls.  They like those girls because they're nice and fun and hey, maybe they are cute after all.  (That's how it works!) 
Girls will refuse to even TALK to a boy they deem unattractive so they don't "lead him on".  Jerks.  Really!  And when they talk about boys, its always about how they LOOK.  This makes for grouchy jaded boys who don't even bother to ask girls out.  This is pretty much our fault, girls. 

BUT, I sympathize with you ladies because we were RAISED this way.  (Stupid Disney princesses!)  I mean, we're not just worried about what the guys look like . . . we're always beating the crap out of ourselves over a blemish, smudged makeup, hair color, uneven tan, wrong bra size . . . we don't discriminate . . . we critique ourselves the worst and then move on to everyone else. 
I'll let you in on something I very recently figured out . . . I didn't meet my husband until I knocked that off.  I had to make a conscious decision to stop.  And I wasn't perfect at it, but I tried.  I took care of myself, but stayed too busy to be constantly worried about how I (and everyone else) looked.  And I married myself someone who I find very attractive . . . but it wasn't like I was squealing, "He's so hot!" when I met him. 

So, long winded post, but I'm putting it out there!  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Anyone care to experiment with letting go of the superficial business and letting us know if it impacts YOUR love life?

On dating people who aren't Mormon . . .

There are a lot of wonderful people out there in the world . . . and a lot of them are NOT LDS . . . So, do you take a love-conquers-all approach and give people of other faiths a chance?  Do you take the no CTR ring, no date approach? 


This is SO TRICKY. 

There really are some wonderful guys and girls out there who are just not Mormon.  But they're everything you want!  Sometimes they even have higher moral standards than most of your YSA group.  So what do you do? 

I always *thought* I believed the love-conquers-all, if-its-meant-to-be-its-meant-to-be stuff.  I did.  I even met very happy part member families on my mission.  Correction, mostly super happy.  Every one of those members would talk to us sometime when their spouce wasn't present and cry.  They LOVE their spouce.  They believe marrying that person was the right thing to do.  They believe their family will be together forever somehow.  But its breaking their heart that their true love hasn't accepted the Gospel yet. 

I think this is an issue for people of every faith . . . if you think what you believe is THE right thing to believe, its hard when someone you love, well, doesn't.  Even harder in religions like the LDS faith where the blessing of eternal families is for couples who are both faithful LDS Church members. 

Back to the question - Should you date people who are not LDS? 
1.  You have to listen to the Spirit . . . which is sometimes hard to hear when you're head over heels.  Just sayin'. 
2.  You need to be honest about how fast and how hard you tend to fall for people . . . do you get attatched easily?  Then maybe the stakes are too high. 
3.  I fell into the category of  "A date or two is OK, but I'm going to be honest from the begining about my religion and goals."  You wouldn't believe how many guys would start talking about marraige or moving away together on a first date or EARLIER who were not LDS.  That's when I let my temple marraige flag fly. They were always offended . . . and obviously a bit desparate. 
4.  Have an exit strategy.  Even if you have a 2 date rule, you're going to have some explaining to do.  You might want to plan what you're saying ahead of time. 

I know a couple that has been dating almost as long as I've been married.  One is a member, wants a temple marriage, wants a CRAZY number of kids, wants to live temple recommend standards.  The other is not a member, doesn't believe in the Church, wants 1 kid, wants to have sex.  So the member occasionally gives in on the morality standards and will settle for two kids.  The other would get baptized and *thinks* go to the temple (I don't think the person knows about the "Do you have a testimony of the restored gospel?" question.) but never really be super active, settle for 2 kids, deal with changing morality rules.  Needless to say, it isn't going well.  They each say they're in love, but can't let go of the dreams they have for their life and future.  It sucks. 
I guess what I'm saying is, you should show everyone respect and kindness, regardless of their religion, but you need to be careful with your heart.  I think this is a big topic, so if you have an opinion about it, please do share.

Talk to me!

So, I want this blog to be HELPFUL.  And I can guess at what issues/problems/questions/frustrations you're having, because I've been there.  (Got hitched at 26 - but was planning on being single a lot longer!) 
BUT
This blog can be better if you talk to me.  Really. 
I've set this blog up with the right settings - you can comment anonymously so NO ONE will know who you are and NO ONE can stalk you.  (Because we all know, creepy happens.)
So, tell me what's up.  What are you wondering about?  Who is making you CRAZY?  Do you think I'm WAY off on something?  Comment away.  Your secret's safe with me.  Because really, who am I gonna tell?  My three year old who doesn't even talk (he has autism) or my one year old.  I think you're good.

Flirting - its a balancing act . . . .

There seem to be two major types of people when it comes to flirting. 
1.  I flirt constantly with anything that moves. 
2.  I never flirt. 
The, trick, my friends, is to be somewhere in the middle. 

Do's
Do flirt a LITTLE with everyone . . . . you never know how much it will help someone's confidence.  And you never know who will take notice, think you seem pretty fun and personable and they really ought to ask you out sometime. 
Do practice.  Not into that guy/girl?  A *little* flirting is harmless.  If you flirt a bit, it gets easier, and he/she gets an ego boost.  win win!

Don't
Don't flirt with married people.  Are you an idiot? 
Don't limit flirting to the people you're interested in . . . because it will be too obvious, too awkward . . . you want flirting to be a personality trait, not an olympic sport. 
Don't take flirting too seriously. 
Don't go too far. 

This brings us to the next point . . . appropriate vs. inappropriate flirting. 
Good flirting is
flattering
happy
fun
ends with normal conversation
appropriately light

Bad flirting is
offensive (sarcasm can get offensive real quick . . . so can teasing about someone's traits.)
constant
pouty
needy
sexy (Yes, sexy.  You'll either look stupid, or disgusting.  Don't lead with your sex appeal . . . lead with your personality.) 
competitive (you can flirt with him/her later, just walk away.)

You've got to keep it light & happy  . . . its like perfume or cologne.  You want everyone to think you smell nice, but not choke anyone.

Its more than you think . . . .

NCMO, friends with benefits, cuddle buddies, call it what you will, but I do not understand the concept of non-committal kissing/cuddling/etc.  If you think its awesome, please explain it to me in the comments. 
Seriously.  I don't get it at all. 

Maybe its because I'm married now and I can have physical intimacy when I want to.  But I don't think that's it, because I didn't understand it when I was single either. 

Maybe its because I'm a girl.   See guys, with girls, it never means nothing.  NEVER.  It always means something.  It might mean, "I just want every boy to like me me me and nobody else," or, "I'm going to make that other guy super jealous."  Usually it means we like you.  And in our romance novel, chick flick abused brains, it means if you say it means nothing, but we let you anyway, that maybe you'll realize YOU FREAKING LOVE ME! 

I like to think boys don't really know how a girl's brain works . . . that they don't realize that girls who make out with them almost always really like them . . . and its just plain mean to lead her on. 
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M LEADING HER ON?!?!?  I TOLD HER IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! 
She doesn't believe you.  We never do . . . because it never means nothing to us. 

Boys, please explain this to me.  I know for a fact many of you prefer xBox to making out.  So why lead them on?  Is it revenge on that one really mean girl?  Because she isn't really getting the karma via NCMO . . . .

Girls, if he says it doesn't mean anything, then it doesn't.  And if it doesn't mean anything, its not really any fun.  Its the attraction, the mutual affection, the flutter of, "Oh my heck he could be the ONE!" that's fun.  Not the nasty tounge mashing.  If you think about it, its pretty gross, actually.  Wow, I am tired, so this is random . . . back to the point.  If he says it doesn't mean anything don't do it.  Say no.  Say if we're not dating, then we're not doing that. 
Do another girl in the future a huge favor by teaching Mr. Committment-phobe a lesson.

Where the boys are . . .

I never meet anyone to date. 

This is the most common thing I've heard singles say and I totally said it all the time.  Well, knock it off because
1.  Its rude. 
2.  This is a personal problem.  Fix it. 

So, why is it rude?  You say this in front of people who then think, "Why the heck aren't I dateable?!?!"  You really ought to stop the judging if you want to do any dating.  Nobody's perfect.  Step one to dating?  Stop ruling people out before you really get to know them. 

How to fix it: 
You're a SINGLE ADULT!  You don't have many limits on where you could go and what you could do. 
First and foremost, I have to say, if you've been failing at dating and been somewhere a long time, there are some clear benefits to moving.  You can be whoever you want in a brand new place.  No one knows you, so no one is going to base what they think of you on the way you've acted in the past.  You can be a whole new, better, you!  Now, I understand you might have committments (job, mortgage, lease, ailing parents) so you might have to stay put.  It'll be a little harder to give yourself a dateable makeover, but you can.  But do consider moving if you feel your situation is impossible for dating. 
GIRLS:  Do you find yourself saying this a lot to your girlfriends?  While you go to the latest chick flick and get your nails done?  Yeah.  You're not exactly going to meet anyone hanging out with your girlfriends.  You need to go where the boys are.  Are you attending all the activities?  How about the multi stake ones?  The SPORTS ones? 
I know, I know, but you suck at sports and hate playing.  I feel your pain, but do you want to meet a guy or not?  He isn't going to show up at your slumber party.  Life is not a Jane Austen or Stephanie Meyers novel.  Sorry.  So go.  I know you're not awesome at it, but try.  No squealing, hand flapping, or fetal position.  Its a ball, not a bomb.  You'll live.  And try to have a little fun. 
OR, you love sports!  You're super competitive and you are gonna kick some guy butt!  Show them how they really ought to get to the gym more because their fat video game playing butts are no match for your skill!  Because that makes them feel confident that they want to spend more time with you . . . . *did you sense the sarcasm?*  CHILL OUT, sporty spice . . . its a game and getting all worked up and angry about it kind of freaks people out . . . girls and guys both.  You can get all fierce on your competitive team.  An activity is supposed to be fun, mmm kay? 
Ladies - bottom line - go where there will be guys.  Can't meet them in your apartment.  Or Enrichment.  When you get there, be approachable, have fun, and be happy. 
GUYS:  I know there's a game on, but its 2011.  DVR it.  Go to stuff.  If its not a game, its a Lord of the Rings/Fast and Furious/Indiana Jones/Star Wars marathon - TV is not an excuse.  The guys who sit home aren't going to get the girl.  If the Relief Society president plans a less-than stellar activity (dance lessons, scrapbooking, tying a quilt after institute - really?), go and make the best of it with a good attitude.  Girls love it when we see a guy who can enjoy the service project, goof off a little at FHE, dress up for the Halloween party. 

Now, beyond the church-sponsored activities, you need to say yes to the invites to the pool, the cabin, the after institute party.  You might feel awkward at first, but it gets easier.

BOTTOM LINE: 
Girls, you're not going to meet anyone to date at the new chick flick/nail salon/shoe store. 
Guys, she isn't going to be hanging out with your buddies for the game. 
Go to stuff, talk to people, and have fun.